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I'm 5 months post DD when I found out my WH cheated with his best man's wife for 2 years (sex 6 times whilst she was pregnant and after the birth followed by 12 months of sexting).
My WH had previously had sex with this woman 3 times a couple of years before we got together and when he was in the army with her husband. He went on to be god father to one of their kids and had he BH as best man at our wedding and witness on our wedding certificate.
We are trying to reconcile after I found out about this betrayal 13 years after the event and while there are mitigating circumstances in that I struggled with emotional regulation due to unresolved childhood trauma, he has ADHD and we had a lot of financial, work stress and SEN kids.
What I'm struggling with is the following:
1. He lied to me from day one, he knew how I felt about cheating and never told me about this woman. If he had told me it would have been a red flag as I now know he cheated on his ex girlfriend 3 times. However, if he had told me I could have seen past it if he showed remorse and cut them out of his life. Because he didn't the affair restarted the moment life got tough in our marriage.
2. I was pregnant with our third child when he cheated and then breastfeeding him and he had unprotected sex with this woman despite knowing she was having sex with multiple AP including threesomes and he husband was cheated (all army). When I found out in January he took four days to admit it was unprotected and then booked an std test but the fact he risked my newborn baby catching a serious std has enraged me!
3. He lied to me about this for 13 years and even when the AP told me he denied it and trickle truthed then went to work and my 17 year old son had to comfort me whilst I lay on the bathroom floor vomiting on shock because he was to weak to face me! He has also lied about lots of silly little things over the years and I now realise (through therapy) he is a conflict avoidant people pleaser

My questions are: can any waywards explain how he could not think of the risk to his children's health by having sex with a very promiscuous woman? How can a parent who loves their children do this?

And secondly, he is extremely remorseful, in counselling and says this is the only time he has cheated on me and has been faithful for 13 years. How can I trust him when he swore on my kids lives he hadn't cheated several times over the years? Can he change his conflict avoidant, people pleasing, selfish, lying ways? I know he wants to, I know he is remorseful (now he has finally faced his shame) but is he capable or is he a pathological liar?

I love him, he loves me and we both love our family and our love together but I don't know if someone who has lied so extensively can change or if I'm better loving him from afar and saving myself.

Any advice welcome, thank you

My questions are: can any waywards explain how he could not think of the risk to his children's health by having sex with a very promiscuous woman? How can a parent who loves their children do this?

There is a thread in the ICR (I Can Relate) forum for BSs to ask questions of WSs. You may find help there. I'm a BS, too. There's also another thread in the ICR forum for those who found out years later.

My XWH is diagnosed as having narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), so may answer won't necessarily jive with your situation. Basically, XWH felt entitled to do what he wanted, and that included having his A. He treats people as objects to be manipulated. I'm not sure he ever loved me or the children, and he didn't think he'd get caught so there would be no consequences.

How can I trust him when he swore on my kids lives he hadn't cheated several times over the years?

He will have to rebuild the trust, and then you'll probably never trust him 100% again. It takes consistent actions over time to rebuild the trust. The layers of lies over such a long time is going to probably add to the time & action to rebuild trust.

he risked my newborn baby catching a serious std has enraged me!

Not only that, dear lady, he put YOUR LIFE at risk. HPV can turn to cancer and kill you. We have had members who found out about the cheating because of their cancer diagnosis. Some have passed and another member says that her uterus is falling out in chunks.

Can he change his conflict avoidant, people pleasing, selfish, lying ways?

Maybe, maybe not. It takes a lot of work and he has to want to change. Unfortunately, only time will tell. Hopefully he's in IC to work on changing into a safe partner.

I know he is remorseful (now he has finally faced his shame) but is he capable or is he a pathological liar?

That's kinda the million dollar (or million pound) question, isn't it? It's really too early to tell. It's that time & actions thing again.

Even though it has been a long time since he said the A was over, you found out so recently that it's still early days for you. They say it takes 2-5 years for you to heal (can take longer, especially if you remain with your WH), and the clock resets to 0 when you find out new stuff.

Be kind to yourself and take care of you and your children.