SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I found out about the cheating 8 months ago, my husband (WS) maintained contact with AP behind my back so I was very determined to get a divorce. However, 6 months later, when he moved out, I got hit with extreme anxiety and depression. At first, I was able to function and feel better by talking to friends and working out, but it got so much worse that I can barely function. out of desperate move, I asked him to move back last week. He has always been nice to me, he said he doesn't want a divorce and he promised he has finally cut contact with other women, so I thought maybe I should consider reconciliation. However, he still doesn't want to talk about the affair, and refuse to communicate his real thoughts, and with my anxiety it makes me crazy when I have to beg him to talk and yet he would only squeeze out a few words. other than the affair, he'd be nice to me, and talk to me like nothing happened, he'd watch TV together and be there when I have anxiety or depression episodes. I honestly don't know what to do, I feel I'm stuck and every min of my life is meaningless and I'm just throwing away my life. Any thoughts or suggestions? anything would help.

Hello idkkat. Welcome to the greatest club that no one ever wanted to join.

I thought maybe I should consider reconciliation. However, he still doesn't want to talk about the affair,

Reconciliation is an extremely difficult journey even with a WS who's the most loquacious human being on the planet. Attempting to reconcile with someone who lacks the courage to have the difficult conversations is just asking for trouble.

The bulk of the work in reconciliation falls squarely upon the shoulders of the wayward spouse. It requires a wayward spouse to be all-in, holding nothing back, being completely open and honest, answering every single question that is asked, and doing everything they possibility can to own and fix their shit.

If he doesn't want to talk about it, he doesn't want to reconcile; he wants to sweep it all under the rug and wait for you to "get over it".

Do not accept this. Not. For. A moment.

If he can't put on his big boy pants and engage with you, he's not worth your time and energy.

I'm sorry you're going through this. I know how incredibly difficult and painful surviving infidelity can be. We all do.

Don't sell yourself short. Don't settle for anything less than 100% effort on his part.

Hi Kat, you already received the welcome and very solid advice.

I will speak to your emotions because that my help you to ease the chaos that is suffocating you right now.

What you feel is called betrayal trauma and is often a very nasty form of ptsd that shatters your reality entirely.

This is worse than most because usually the trauma comes from outside, the hostile world and tramples you, that can lead to post traumatic stress that makes you fear the world outside and may lead to plenty of dysfunctional coping mechanisms.

From the outside, this is the key. You still have your safe spaces and your inner world where the outside can not reach you and tear you to pieces.

Betrayal hits you from your inner world, is a threat from within because it comes from the person you allowed into your most intimate world, the pillar of your identity and this person shattered them with a sledgehammer.

The feeling is there is nowhere safe for you, you can’t even refuge in your inner world because that’s where the pain comes from. And you can’t run from yourself.

That’s why among all kind of abuse this sits at the top echelon of the few most devastating and life altering.

And of course, the fact that in our culture betrayal is normalized if not even celebrated (only if it happens to people like you, the powers of our society still give capital punishment for betrayal of any kind, but probably the double standard only makes it feel more unfair to you) and romanticized , just gaslights you into thinking you are unreasonable.

No you’re not unreasonable, you are not stupid and what was intentionally done to you is sordid, gross and disgustingly evil.

And you are not at any fault for it, there is nothing you could have done to prevent it, because you were never given the choice or chance.

This out of the way, what is the thing causing pain is the attachment wound, is telling you now.

I am not chosen. I am not enough. I am replaceable.

Simple words for one of the most painful feelings a human being can ever experience.

Let me call buklshit on the wound, because we all know what it tells us, but is not true. (Is Normal to feel it, but is not the reality)

A better understanding of what happened is to refocus from this feeling, because YOU ARE NOT the cause of his betrayal, and really look at the only person responsible for it all.

He cannot chose, not even himself. He is not believing he is enough, so it needs validation to feel like he exists. He has a bottomless void that can’t be filled, so he tries to replace the sources and he is still left empty.

This is the true root.

And he displays all the symptoms: low self worth, people pleasing, performance and overachieving, perfectionism, avoidance and emotional unavailability…. The list is always the same, same song with slight variations.

What he did is suck you dry to soothe his thirst and the moment he realized that you too can’t fill his void, he spiraled down into the usual chaos, the only coping mechanism he knew it could quiet his ghosts and prevent him to face them, it’s dopamine. And the easiest fix for dopamine is external validation. If someone validates me, then I am not worthless. And the highest shot is to get a new partner.

Add to it if he can play James Bond with secrecy and excitement and the fix becomes addictive.

However that is the cheater fantasy, truth is more like this:

he is not James Bond drinking champagne from a crystal flute while being dashing and charming. He is the circus clown drinking stale piss from a plastic cup and stumbling around like an idiot.

Thanks Bruce for this image because she nailed it

Now your emotions and how to help you to begin healing.

I can tell you what NOT to do right away: don’t do anything I did.
- Don’t keep them compressed.
- Don’t face this alone in silence
- don’t try to restore the past, it is gone, I know you want to go back, we all did. He burned it all to the ground to ashes and then poured acid and set those ashes on fire again.
- don’t blame yourself
- don’t allow him in until you can sense he is really, unmistakably remorseful, don’t think about reconciliation at all or you will get a second one very very soon

And above all, let the emotions flow.
They have no rhyme or reason but the flood gates are open and if you don’t let them flow they will swipe you away into the deepest darkness of the abyss.

This is a place that can truly help you to let them out, because everyone here understands you, lived what you are living right now.

You don’t really need to hear and be comforted that all "it’s okay ". No is not, this time is not okay.
You can heal, but now you need to be heard, not advised, not listen, hear, plan. Simply heard.

You have been, and will be heard anytime you need

He is being emotionally abusive.

He KNOWS what you need but refuses to give it to you. That adds to your anxiety and it will become a non-stop cycle for you.

So he’s "nice" to you. That’s only on his terms.

My H was the same way during & after Affsir#1 which was a 4 year EA (which I’m now certain it was more than anEA). Gaslighting. Denial. Stonewalling. All of it.

But I was just dumb and too trusting and because he too was nice, I accepted it.

However after Affair#2 I was not the same person. Excuse my language but I out the bitch boots on and refused all attempts to reconcile. I had enough. I had to put myself first. I could no longer live with his cheating.

Within 48 hours he got the message he lost all power and control. I did the hard 180 and planned to D him. He knew it was over b/c in 25 years of marriage I had never used the word Divorce. So he knew when I said it I meant it.

He begged to R. I said no. I told him he could go whatever he wanted but I was filing. Somehow in 30 days he managed to turn things around and provide a glimmer of hope. I decided to give it another 30 days to see if these were temporary changes or he really meant it.

It’s been 12+ years since Dday 1 and I can only say positive things. But…….(isn’t there always a but ) it was because I changed. I was no longer a doormat. Things were not the same. He needed to step up and communicate, be transparent and stop needing other women to validate him.

Please read the book How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair by Linda MacDonald. The cheater should read it too. It will give you insight on what to expect and things you may need to heal and reconcile.

Also please continue with professional counseling. It saved my sanity during his last affair.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 10:12 AM, Saturday, April 25th]

My WH did much the same thing.

I finally left for three weeks, and told him that if he CHOSE not to open up and discuss this like a man, then I would choose to leave permanently.

After a few days realizing I would not speak to him unless and until he got therapy to address this avoidant crap, he finally decided to cave.

He went to therapy. He felt much better once he did.

That was last summer. Is he "cured"? No, but he comes out of that silence much faster, and on his own now.