SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Context: I'm M (30), my partner F (31), we've been together for almost 12 years and married for almost 3. About a year ago, things became quite monotonous, specifically in our intimacy. I love her, I provide, she's attentive to my needs, and many other things, but there's this detail: 2 months ago I met another woman, we started talking, and things escalated to infidelity (previously I had many opportunities with different people, but I never crossed the line into physical intimacy). We had two sexual encounters, we both enjoyed it, I felt desired as a man, I was able to be honest about everything sexual I wanted to try and AP reacted the same way, the adrenaline was something hadn't felt in years and we agreed to continue seeing each other, but the opportunity never arose. Throughout all of this I felt guilty, but the impulse won. AP contacted me from the beginning, and we presented everything as something casual, although there are two details in each encounter that left me thinking a lot. The first time, she told me she wanted me to do it without protection, which I completely refused, something that was spontaneous on her part. The second time, after we were intimate, she asked me a question: "Don't you think the guilt will be too great afterward?" which instantly made me feel

bad.

Three weeks ago, it came to light, by my mistake cause i have plans of continue this affair and I had a discussion with my partner. We agreed to continue the relationship and improve things, which is happening, even sexually. I've felt things I haven't experienced in years with my partner. But even with everything improving and real changes in our intimacy, I can't stop thinking about having another sexual experience with this same person since i felt she left the door open because of our last conversation. I'm seeing a psychologist, trying to rationalize and be logical in my thoughts, and I'm trying to focus on my own things, my work, new activities, but the thought of writing to her again and having something physical again won't go away. It keeps coming back. I have it many times during the day with stronger impulses to contact her again.

What should I do? Should I give in to the impulse with the idea of "one last time"? I'm aware of all the personal and relationship consequences that doing it again would entail, and yet I can't get rid of the thought and the desire to do it.

Please help.

I’m a BW so do not relate but you asked for an opinion or a point of view, here goes………

Firstly, do you know how easy it is for a woman to get sex?, do you know how easy it is for your W to get sex?, do you know that your wife will have urges too?, do you think there’s just you that feels boredom in the relationship?, do you want your wife if she is approached to act on her impulses and urges?. When you have the answers think about them

Secondly, your AP?. You said she asked you ‘don’t you think the guilt will be too bad?’, she asked you this because she wanted you to inflate her ego, she thinks oh if he feels guilt but still does it then I must be absolutely amazing. The AP doesn’t care about you, or your W she just wants to feel good about herself and will destroy everything in her path to do so.

You are enabling someone with a void so vast that they need to destroy someone’s family to feel good, maybe you should focus your desire in to finding out why that is?.

I will leave others to answer your question because they have been there and they know how self destructive it becomes after your dopamine rush fades as it will.

I will also try to be tactful, there is no stop sign but I doubt you are ready for a blunt response right now. Maybe later you will want it, but now I will not hit into your emotional chaos as, after all, you asked for help.

In this moment all you likely feel is to engage with the external validation one more time, hoping that it will fill a void you feel even wether you’re aware or is still subconscious.

And I get probably your woman’s feelings emotions right now matter less than the decision if to open or not the condom next time, hence true empathy might be difficult to reach until the chemicals are rushing, but I can respond to your question with a question.

If it was your wife here writing about how to deal with the impulse to rip the condom off and give all of herself to this other man, to experience him sexually as she never allowed her sexually with you, her husband. What would you like me to advise her to do?

And I know that you are likely in the thick of the affair fog so you can’t see clearly, but you may try to rewrite this post as your wife and read it as yourself.

See how it feels, if you can face that emotion with complete honesty.

I sense you do have already something screaming inside you beyond the walls of dopamine, but you can’t just allow yourself to hear it yet.

I hope you find help to navigate through this here.

PS. In case you truly care something for your wife there is something that you can do that is an act of love, or at least an echo of the love you had.

Divorce her immediately.

Leave her, disappear from her life family social circle, never contact her ever again, pretend she never existed in your life.

Live a good life with your affair partner for how long it will last. If it resolves like usually does we will help you in getting the therapy and help you will need once you realize how this event will have impacted your life. Is going to be few weeks or months, maybe longer, but it will help you to clear the fog and see what you sacrificed your relationship for.

Her life (your wife)is gone right now. Past, present, future. But she might heal if you disappear now and never come back.

If you still care.

[This message edited by BackfromtheStorm at 7:14 PM, Thursday, April 23rd]

None of us can, or ever would, give you permission to continue your affair. If you really want permission, ask your betrayed wife (BW) if it’s ok. There are people in this world who have those kinds of relationships.

If your BW does not consent, then of course you should not. What you should do is never again have any contact whatsoever with your affair partner (AP). You’re kidding yourself if you think it will be "one last time".

There are a lot of articles in the Healing Library that can provide you with some valuable insight.

Please read this one: https://survivinginfidelity.com/documents/library/articles/recovery/what-every-ws-needs-to-know/

And this one: https://survivinginfidelity.com/topics/137622/maias-withdrawal-survival-guide-repost-for-newbies/

Your BW is giving you a very precious gift: the opportunity to reconcile. Don’t waste it.

[This message edited by Letmebefrank at 7:11 PM, Thursday, April 23rd]

Your BW is giving you a very precious gift: the opportunity to reconcile. Don’t waste it.

I am going to shut up from now on but seriously for her sake.

She should NOT reconcile with this guy right now. (And he should not agree to reconcile either until he is in this state, if has any shred of respect for his wife still surviving during the cheating high)

She should get as far as possible from this abuse and try to heal.

He is not reconciliation material. Best scenario is he is ending up with his affair partner and truly find out how juicy the fruit of infidelity taste once they are taken out of the mud.

Karma truly explains it best

[This message edited by BackfromtheStorm at 7:46 PM, Thursday, April 23rd]

Hi, fellow wayward here.

I can just tell you that the adrenaline/dopamine has a lot less to do with the connection and it’s built into the affair itself. The feelings you describe are affair feelings, and anything you see in her is your own projection.

You said it’s never crossed into physical before- are you prone to having emotional or flirting relationships?

I will be blunt with you- I think you maybe a bit emotionally immature and should seek therapy to put yourself in a more empathetic state with your wife. You do not see the destruction you are causing to her or to yourself. At this point unless you decide this is not who you want to be, and really put forth some work here this marriage is completely doomed. You will be divorced within a year. And in some ways maybe that’s what you want/need.

If you cat do that, tell your wife you think you want a divorce now instead of skirting around her back. At least give her the respect she undoubtedly deserves.Do things the right way.

[This message edited by hikingout at 7:57 PM, Thursday, April 23rd]

Hiking the contrast between you and a person in this high is really the best way to see it all.

I can only wish him to come around.

I am afraid that he is showing a different pattern for what he is searching right now.

Not honest advice or orientation.

just Validation.

If I am wrong, we’ll I’d be very happy to be

[This message edited by BackfromtheStorm at 9:14 PM, Thursday, April 23rd]

It seems to me that both you and your affair partner are out for a good time and it doesn't matter to you who gets hurt. You said that you and your wife are trying to make your marriage work. I know from experience that you can't do that while you're still keeping things from her and/or keeping on with the affair. I also believe you won't be satisfied with sex with your AP one more time. It seems to me that you and your AP are both very immature.

You said:

2 months ago I met another woman, we started talking, and things escalated to infidelity

"Things" didn't escalate to infidelity, the two of you did with your choices.

You came to the right place. I hope you'll follow the excellent advice you've been given.

It sounds like you found your one true love and should divorce your wife. She sounds like not much fun.

Good luck.

Go be happy.

OP here, I appreciate your contributions. I'm not looking for validation, approval, or permission to do or not do anything from anyone on an internet forum. I'm an adult and I know what I did, and I know that no one can fix what happened. From the moment I spoke with my W about what I did, I cut off all contact with AP and I'm being completely transparent about what I did, what I felt, what I think, and what I'm experiencing right now with W. There are no new adventures, no new encounters. She's the only person I've done anything like this with in my entire relationship. I have no intention of staying with AP or of her being my future partner. The physical attraction is what generated everything I described in terms of feelings and thoughts. So what I wrote is what I did with her, and right now I'm completely focused on improving for my W and the relationship, which is happening right now, believe it or not. Neither you nor I know for sure what will happen in the future; time will tell. The main idea and objective is... What I maintain is that my relationship continues, and I know I don't deserve W's forgiveness, but my idea is to live trying to win it back, even if it doesn't happen. I hope it does, and if this ends in divorce, it will be a consequence I'll have to accept and live with. As I said in the post, I'm in therapy with a real mental health professional, not random internet comments. I've already talked about many things and I understand what's happening to me on a hormonal, neurological, and behavioral level, and I'm still in this process. Even so, I'm still human and have this whirlwind of thoughts associated with everything I've already talked about. And you know, the reason I'm writing in a forum like this is to see my situation through the experiences of other people, where I know many cases are worse, repeated, with children involved, or illegitimate children born from the same situations (I don't have children). And I suppose that if many comments are made from a pedestal, it's because they're the best husbands/wives and have never made a mistake or had their partner fail them in any way. I'd be surprised if something like this existed in reality. I actually appreciate the comments that give me a broader perspective, where it's clear that people have gone through similar situations or received the necessary help with mental health or couples therapy. They give me some hope that things can improve with W. Those who want to talk trash are also welcome if it makes them feel better about themselves or their personal situations. To everyone else, I appreciate you reading and responding to my thoughts.

This is a completely different approach from the opening statement of "I plan to continue the affair and I want to give another one last time as the ow is open for sex."

So if you’re seriously interested into getting a grip of yourself first of all drop the minimization and defensiveness and start to get to terms with what you did and above all why, for your own sake.

And yes you are looking for validation, still or you would have realized it yourself.

You don’t come across as remorseful or even realizing the way your posts look.
You claim you are fully transparent with your wife. Are you telling her you really want to have sex with the AP "one last time?" How did she react? Did she agree or cried or what?

It doesn’t feel like is come from a place of empathy but of selfishness.

That’s confirmed by the passive aggressive response to a criticism that if you were humble, would understand as genuine and helpful to shake you out of the fantasy.

I figure I could grant you the benefit of the doubt as if you have been writing impulsively and it came out all wrong, though to be frank I don’t sense it, I shall give it a chance if it was lost in the medium.

So here it is for your clarity, how your approach gets received in this place:

You came here presenting your betrayal of your wife, found out by her coincidentally because you were planning to prolong the affair with the other woman behind her back, but you were forced to bail out, at least temporarily.

There is no remorse in this presentation as you explained it, it is the very typical pattern of the cheater: "I intend to keep cheating but must lay low for a while because I got caught with my hands in the cookie jar ". This read from BS and WS here in the way you introduced it, doesn’t gather you any sympathy, it is perceived as a "please excuse my behavior, even if I am still behaving like this "

Empathy should tell you that on this people this really turn them in the wrong way right of the bat.

Then you describe what is known as hysterical bonding from your betrayed wife. And even while enjoying her sexual overload on you, you are still thinking about the other woman and feeling the impulse to give her "one last smash". And asking for understanding and advice if you should go through to have sex with her "one last time"

While withdrawal from the affair partner is rather common, this is not yet that, this comes out as exploitative of your wife trauma and completely oblivious of why she is behaving like this and above all, uncaring.

You didn’t wonder why your wife is hysterically having sex with you, but let me give you a hint: ever heard of victims of sexual abuse developing paradoxical sexual behaviors towards their abuser (or people who mirror their abuser)? That is because trauma, and trauma makes a number on the psyche of the victim. You inflicted her this trauma and she is acting out of desperation to try to trauma bond with you so she can escape from the hell you just casted her in. And you don’t have idea just how deep her abyss is (normal at your stage) but you are thinking about the affair partner and how much you want to do this and that to her…

People here knows what the fallout from their betrayal is. They have been going through sometimes years, and the pain they still feel today is something that deserves respect.

We are not speaking about the betrayed partners here, this sub forum is dedicated to reforming and reformed wayward, this is a place for their pain only.

Reading your posts where you transmit the excitement and high of dopamine, minimizing and excusing your flaws making it looking as not a big deal and just a slip that was destined to happen, is insulting to the pain and the work these people have done to get from where you are now to where they are today.

Is unrespectful. Not even mentioning you used the same approach to the place where the betrayed partners are trying to find support, but trust me, that was cruel.

What happens here is a safe space to provide support to people who realized their mistakes and want to repair or heal their character flaws that lead to betrayal.

Because betrayal is not "not a big deal" you yourself know that is a horrible thing, or else you would not have lied and kept it secret and hidden until you got caught.

I’m the off chance you seriously messed up your initial communication I explained it to you.

Now if you want to drop the defensive and passive aggressive attitude and you genuinely believe that you want to recover from the damage you willingly chose to cause with your affair, you WILL find empathy and a lot of experience that can help you to navigate this mess.

Yes even from me, but you got to change attitude dude.

Seriously.

Good luck

[This message edited by BackfromtheStorm at 11:05 AM, Friday, April 24th]

Hi Punketo27,

I am a wayward.

I know some comments may sound harsh to you right now, but they are not from a pedestal. I know it's hard and hurtful at first, but what everyone told you is the honest real truth. And the only way to save your marriage (if this is what you want).

If you want to have a shot at saving your marriage, you need to suppress the impulses of seeing the other woman again. If she comes to mind, just ignore it, push the feeling away. Stay 100% grounded on your marriage.

Some of the "enablers" of my despicable behaviour were justifying myself, indulging myself. "People do much worse", "I deserve to have something for myself". Similar justifying thoughts, could be "only one last time won't hurt", "things weren't great, is it really my fault if this happened?".

Don't do it. Don't. If you want to save your marriage, suppress everything else. Stop the justifications. It may feel unfair saying "there are no justifications", but there really aren't.

Good luck

[This message edited by LonelyGuilty at 12:28 PM, Friday, April 24th]

I wanted to highlight a couple of things:

I understand what's happening to me on a hormonal, neurological, and behavioral level

Ok, that’s a good first step towards reforming. But, like your other post, it’s only about you. Do you understand what’s happening to your BW? I pointed you to this link earlier, did you read it? It will help you.

https://survivinginfidelity.com/topics/324250/things-that-every-ws-needs-to-know/

know many cases are worse, repeated, with children involved, or illegitimate children born from the same situations (I don't have children)

Don’t think like this, it’s minimizing the gravity of what you did. A lot of times waywards make comments that start with the words "it was only…" This is a faulty way of thinking, because it suggests to the betrayed that they are overreacting. There is no scientific instrument to measure emotional pain, but if there were, it would show that infidelity causes the pain-meter to max out. There’s no "worse"; they’re all equally horrible. Sure, some situations make making decisions about the future harder, but they don’t make the pain less.

And I suppose that if many comments are made from a pedestal, it's because they're the best husbands/wives and have never made a mistake or had their partner fail them in any way.

We’re none of us angels. But be intellectually fair: your first post was asking if it’d be ok to continue having an affair after being caught. You knew the answer to that before you even asked it, so don’t blame us for answering that question with all the contempt it deserves.

I hope you keep posting. There’s a lot you can learn here, and I think it can help you heal and grow. And I hope someday in the future to read a post from you saying "I just went back over my first posts here and by God was I a shit show then." And then when some new wayward comes here and posts something like you did, you can whack them about the head and shoulders with a 2x4 like what just happened to you, and help get them on the right path.