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Hi All,

As part of reconciliation....we have both agreed to a list of things to work on for each other. One of the things I need to work on is a physical thing; it seems really innocuous but its related to shaving a beard off! Its been rationalised/justified as the beard was something I grew while we were working through things and it was not a great period (post affair).
I guess my question is whether its fair to ask someone to physically change something about themselves? I don't want to shave it off; I quite like it and it makes me feel good. On the other side I can see that my other half has strong feelings about it.

Hi ctt,

Don’t know your story yet, but it sounded to me like a contract negotiation.

I understand there may be stuff you want to agree, but I say it’s mostly irrelevant to get any advice, without having the emotional and healing picture post betrayal.

Preferences are a thing, I like long haired women, or some other hair management style that I prefer, but that’s not something turning me off in the least if like the person and she has short hairs, or some hair thing that I don’t like is irritating or whatever.

You get close to a person because you connect with who they are, physical details and preferences go out the window pretty fast when there is that.

In any normal and healthy relationship.

Now I miss context, this is just a general warning about avoiding to fall into the false trap of trying to recreate attention and attraction and gravity into a couple that broke due to infidelity, by projecting each other’s fantasies and preferences into the partner.

Because that’s not going to work, it never does.

Genuine connection and healing that changes the broken parts in both (what was broken and what got broken by the betrayal) that is possibly the only way to really give reconciliation a chance.

Is "I see you" naked as you truly are in your innermost self. Not "I want you to look that way" shallow, superficial, projection, empty.

If you feel good and you want to keep the beard, don’t change it just to people please your cheater.

You can shave it or keep it, but do it for yourself.

She might prefer you smooth rather than pinchy, is also fine. But if that is a condition she demands for reconciliation then I am being blunt here: you really should review if you are having a genuine reconnect here or just a relapse of validation, fantasy and projection.

Because one is ground for reconciliation, the other one is for cheating.

[This message edited by BackfromtheStorm at 10:17 AM, Wednesday, September 30th]

I think it’s a fair request, personally. My wife hates to kiss me when I don’t shave, the stubble scratches her face. Since I want to kiss her, I shave.

Given where you are in R, I would shave it off, it’s not like you can’t grow is back one day.

I'm with Frank. I shaved my beard off because my wife prefers it, but I did it voluntarily. She actually told me that she would love me either way, but prefers a clean shave. So I said f-it. I shaved it off after having one for over a decade.

A little weird at first, but I have to admit it easily shaved a decade off of how I appear. I'm in my mid 50s and can easily pass for being in my early 40s, so there is an upside. Ultimately I just figured if it's her preference then why not? I can always grow it back.

I will admit it would make me a little prickly if she demanded it as part of a requirement for reconciliation. I think there are far more meaningful things to negotiate than something related to appearance.

*ETA: My last point is also from the perspective of the BS. I may be more willing to change my tune of I were the one caught cheating. In that case I think I would view it as a small price to pay for a second chance.

[This message edited by Pogre at 5:42 PM, Wednesday, September 30th]

Since M is a contract, I think R needs a contract, too, a contract that both partners agree on.

You agreed to shave; now you realize you don't want to do that. That's OK. Now is the time to renegotiate. Under some circumstances, I imagine this could end R, but that's up to you. My reco is to ask your W why she wants the beard gone.

In negotiating our R contract, my W wanted me to wear a ring. I agreed, and we did some shopping. That made me realize I HATE wearing rings. That's why I never wore a wedding ring in the 1st place. I never accepted any advance from women, either. I told my W I couldn't satisfy the requirement without a lot of discomfort and that I had been faithful despite not wearing a ring, and she accepted the change in the contract.

OTOH, I was a road warrior at a couple of points in my career. During one gig, I got a lot of free upgrades - and free scotch - on the flight home. One Friday, my W made a face when I kissed her. 'I don't like the taste of scotch,' she said. I very reluctantly stopped accepting the free drinks. That was over 20 years ago, so you can see it was no small thing.

It sounds like this is not about whether she would prefer your beard, it’s that it reminds her of a person who hurt her. She is seeing physical appearance as a trigger? Is that correct?

After my affair, I had to get rid of my clothing that I wore during that time. Thankfully it was spring so they were mostly transitional pieces rather than buying a new wardrobe. There were elements of what you are describing for both of us.

Personally, I would say "I agree to do this for now, to allow more healing to occur. I do prefer my beard, it makes me feel more confident. Could we maybe reassess this in six months or a year? Perhaps by then we could try it again and create a different set of memories that are positive with the facial hair?"

I think that’s a reasonable compromise. Give it some time and maybe you will decide you don’t miss the beard or she will decide she is ready to conquer that trigger. The amount of triggers are a lot earlier on and if you can eliminate those she may gain confidence of conquering that too.

After my affair, I had to get rid of my clothing that I wore during that time.

My wife did the same. I triggered over the overnight bag she used for her affair so she tossed it, then gathered everything else up and tossed that, too. The night shirt she wore, the clothes she wore, the bathing suit she wore (for the pool at the hotel), and anything else associated with it went into the trash.