SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Feelings of the day… who can relate ?

You would think that maybe after the first time, you would feel better equipped to handle it the next time. You think , you’ve adjusted your expectations and know that the person you’re spending your life with is capable of hurting you in such a way.

*There’s no way this can break me … he already cheated on me and I made it through! We made up and I am starting to trust him again …

*If it happens again I will be prepared because I know what to expect…

*He clearly felt so bad last time to see how he hurt me , right ? ….

None of this matters. It seems the more d days there are , the worse and worse it gets. The more your boundaries are pushed. First it was just messages. The next time he dared to kiss someone. Now he knows you’re not leaving, so this time he can have sexual activity. The boundary gets pushed further and further … *if that wasn’t her limit , then surely I can get away with this too? *

The trauma is heavier . Not because you weren’t disappointed the first time(s). But because maybe you convince yourself he is going to change, he is working on himself. You have moments of happiness after the initial d day. You start to feel like you can trust him again. Just to be traumatized all over again in a worse way than you imagined possible. Somehow, you still imagined your partner as a good person who would see how badly they hurt you and choose to make better choices .

The self judgement continues to get worse. The first time , you were just a compassionate person giving somebody you love and care about a fair chance. Now …

*How much am I willing to put up with ?
*what kind of idiot stays with someone after they’ve done this multiple times? There must be something wrong with me ?
*I must be weak in communicating my boundaries and expectations, otherwise this wouldn’t have happened to me.
*my friends and family have no idea how much I’ve been living a lie for years . I can no longer pretend everything is OK.
*I can’t believe I’ve wasted this much time.
*when does it get better ? Will I ever love again? Heck, will I ever love myself again ???

There are different versions of multiple d days. I think what you're talking about are repeated violations with either the same person or a different affair partner. Separate instances of infidelity across a period of time?

Another type of d day is more about discovering facts about a single instance of infidelity that weren't originally revealed or were flat out lied about that change the shape of the story you thought you understood as true and complete.

Examples would be discovering there was romantic involvement instead of "just sex," or that there was full blown sex instead of just kissing, or it had been going on for 2 years instead of 2 months. Discovering new facts like that can also be considered additional d days.

I'm assuming you're talking about the first example?

I am so sorry you have been dealing with this. I understand the shame and self judgement.

There are some things to underline here as you move forward, to regain your self compassion and self confidence.

First, the things you are questioning about yourself speaks to your innocence and own trustworthiness. We don’t see the things we are not sometimes. Not everyone has the same good heart as you.

So your goal of you can do it is celebrate those good qualities but perhaps put some guardrails around it. You can have those qualities and not project them on others. Thats an area of growth, not a condemnation of "what kind of person am I?" You are a good person and that’s why it was so hard for you to see that he would keep progressing it.

But he also knew it and exploited that. So the question is really—what kind of person is he? I think it’s safe to say he is extremely flawed and selfish.

I would recommend reflecting over time whether there were red flags outside of this that you ignored. I wouldn’t judge yourself in that, but that reflection may help you identify if there were aspects of your instincts or intuition you pushed away and help you get in better tune with your gut feelings sooner and take action for yourself as a result sooner. I totally get how that happens, it happens to everyone at some point.

What I think I am trying to say without belaboring while you are still in grief is:

1. This is his fault, not yours.

2. Be gentle with yourself.

3. As you decompress and unwind the situation, figure out if there are things you missed. Not to berate yourself but to learn and grow and be in a better position to protect yourself sooner.

You are a wonderful person who did not deserve this. The best overall solution is to take time to improve your relationship with yourself—-and that’s something we all should be doing. Prayers for healing and peace.

[This message edited by hikingout at 5:54 PM, Wednesday, September 30th]

@ Pogre , 3 different instances for me . But you’re right, some peoples D days are when they learn more truth about the same affair. Either way I think that hits harder the next time around because you think you know the truth the first time and you learn they were lying to you again by not telling you everything .

@ hiking out I am definitely going through that process too of identifying the red flags I missed and chose to ignore in the beginning . That contributes to the self judgment as well. Thank you for your kind words .

Leeleelu

what kind of idiot stays with someone after they’ve done this multiple times?

You are not an idiot...you trusted somebody you loved and believed they would choose differently next time.

I must be weak in communicating my boundaries and expectations

I do not think this belongs on you either - somebody repeatedly crossing a boundary is about their choices not your failure to explain it well enough.

Please be gentle with yourself because after betrayal it is very easy to turn the anger back onto ourselves when really we were the ones acting in good faith...

I experienced multiple D-Days in my M to xWS each time I lost more respect and fell out of love a little more until there was no more left. I couldn't get over it and knew that I couldn't live with myself staying in a M like that. I stayed in limbo a long time because I was afraid to leave. One day the pain of staying in the M became more painful than the thought of leaving the M. That is when I left.

My xWS was not remorseful and was diagnosed NPD so I had emotional abuse on top of the A's. Leaving was the best gift I could have ever given myself.

I don't recommend staying after multiple D-Days unless the WS puts a lot of work in to repair themselves and the M. They should also be extremely remorseful. The BS also has to heal themselves and want R. I don't think I had it in me to R after the 2nd D-Day.

[This message edited by crazyblindsided at 7:05 PM, Wednesday, September 30th]

The only way it doesn’t hurt is when you are fully detached.

If you connect at any level, you share genuine vulnerability with that connection.

A dishonest and treacherous person WILL unavoidably harm that vulnerability, if they can get anything out of it, or simply just a kick.

Remember when they say "if you are hurting it means you are alive"?

You love and emotional compass is alive. That’s why it hurts.

His? It’s dead and rotten because he never allowed it to live. For he can’t love or respect himself first. So he feeds on yours alike a vampire sucking out the life from it, to have a semblance of life for himself.

But is a chimera, is his void that keeps him sunk, not the lack of love from a trusting partner.

The trauma doesn’t detach you, it dissociates you to reduce the entity of the pain, but that’s a cope, not a healing. Not for you who got broken. Not for the wayward who is broken and broke you.

No it will not get any easier or any less painful until you let go.
Of any outcome. Of any expectations.

You cannot love a cheater out of infidelity.

You can only love yourself out of infidelity.

And if he ever decides to love himself out of infidelity, then you will maybe have a chance.

But you shouldn’t wait for him to decide of stepping on that particular train.
You should get yours as soon as you can, and move on.

If he wakes up, he will have to catch up. And that means leaving the comfort zone of infidelity station where he held you for so long.

He made his choice. And took away yours.

Reclaim it, and no matter how it will go, what he will choose, it’s going to be fine.

@ Pogre , 3 different instances for me . But you’re right, some peoples D days are when they learn more truth about the same affair. Either way I think that hits harder the next time around because you think you know the truth the first time and you learn they were lying to you again by not telling you everything .

That's really rough. I had a few instances of some trickle-truth type revelations that kicked off a physiological reaction I had no control over whatsoever. Heart pounding, pressure in my neck and face, sheer panic. You'd think I would've been braced for it, but nope. It's pretty awful, and no, it's not any better than the original revelation.

I can imagine going through a second or third actual d day like you're describing and it would be just as awful, if not even worse. I'm sorry you're going through it.

I don't think you're stupid. You trusted him. I'm sure you got some convincing sweet talk. He may have even meant it and been sincere, but he clearly didn't do the proper work to become safe again, and you didn't have the knowledge or the tools to realize it had to be done. That's not your fault.

You're here now. We have your back.