SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Let me know when the anger phase kicks in.

Because she will see a side of you that she will regret pushing you towards.

For me, it was dday2 of affair2. I wasn’t screaming and yelling or throwing dishes.

I was calm and cool and collected. But completely in control. Executing my plan B which I was smart to put together at dday1 — especially a few days later when my H told me he wanted a Divorce.

I told him in short order that kids & I were staying in the house and he was paying for it. We were not disrupting our lives. He needed to live nearby so kids could go back and forth freely. And a bunch of other things affecting immediate separation.

His desire to reconcile was met with a hard no from me. However he started to do everything and anything (actions not words) to change things around. It was his choice to do this.

I could see the remorse and commitment (and changes) he was making. And they continue to this day 13 years later.

When he thought he was in control of it all, he acted like your wife (after Dday 1 of affair 2). But then Things changed b/c I changed. He no longer had any say or power over me or ability to make decisions involving me & kids.

I’m certain he saw a side of me he wished he never had to see. But I had to protect myself. Like I said there were no screaming matches. Just a quiet "no" was all it took to assert myself.

And b/c I changed he was forced to change if he wanted to stay married. His call. No one forced him to stay married.

I don't want to be angry. I just want to not feel sick to my stomach.

I'm sorry you ever had to go through what you did. But you were stronger and you stuck to your plan. That's amazing.

Many of us do hit an anger stage at 3-6 months. It’s wild, out of character , and totally normal. So if you feel the anger, don’t try to suppress it. You should be mad about this.

Remind me - do you have kids?

While you are at your dad’s, visit a couple lawyers. Not to file for D, but to learn what your situation would look like.
Knowledge is power, and this will help remove some of the fear of the unknown. You don’t need to tell her you are doing this. It’s for you and your peace of mind.

And agree that getting lots of exercise, journaling, getting sleep - all good things to do to help you.

Pete,

The only things that you can control are things that you do. You can’t force her to be remorseful. Use this time to speak to a lawyer. I’m not saying get divorced. A lawyer looking at it makes it so less…emotional. It sends to boundaries and helps your brain trying to address *everything* to honing in a bit. You’ll sleep better.

You are dragging this out and making it more complicated than it needs to be. In an effort to lessen your own pain, you are causing yourself more prolonged pain and uncertainty.

Tell her you are going to go stay at your dads and away from her. Tell her she has 48 hours to complete a written timeline that covers everything regarding this POS. Tell her it better be everything they did. and the truth. Then tell her she’s going to have to take a polygraph to verify that it is, as you have zero trust in her to tell you the truth right now.

Don’t argue it, don’t discuss it. That’s what you require right now and if she chooses to ignore the deadline you are making the first steps to divorce.

Remind me - do you have kids?

We do not. We don't own a house together, we don't have joint savings. She gave me money towards my new car last year. That's it.

The only things that you can control are things that you do. You can’t force her to be remorseful. Use this time to speak to a lawyer. I’m not saying get divorced. A lawyer looking at it makes it so less…emotional. It sends to boundaries and helps your brain trying to address *everything* to honing in a bit.

I haven't yet talked to a lawyer, but I plan on it this week.

You are dragging this out and making it more complicated than it needs to be. In an effort to lessen your own pain, you are causing yourself more prolonged pain and uncertainty.

Tell her you are going to go stay at your dads and away from her. Tell her she has 48 hours to complete a written timeline that covers everything regarding this POS. Tell her it better be everything they did. and the truth. Then tell her she’s going to have to take a polygraph to verify that it is, as you have zero trust in her to tell you the truth right now.

Don’t argue it, don’t discuss it. That’s what you require right now and if she chooses to ignore the deadline you are making the first steps to divorce.

I'm trying not to, I've wanted to try and respect her feelings here too, but I need to have her tell me everything. She asked "how is knowing everything going to make you feel better?" I told her, it likely won't make me feel good hearing it, but I'll have the information I need to either work things out with you, or not.

Pete, she gave you all the information you need, if her sleeping with this guy is a deal breaker see a lawyer immediately.

I'll have to see if she did.

If she actually did, that may change things for me. But I can't operate in a vacuum. I need to get her story, the information..

Pete, I've just read through this whole post.

Brother, I'm so so very sorry for what is happening. I was there myself 7 months ago.
It was just an emotional affair, phone calls. At least that's how I found out. It was NEVER physical.
Finding out she had fallen in love was a wrecking ball to my gut but at LEAST it wasn't physical. Heck he lived in a different state.
Then I found out they were STILL communicating, just using snapchat and whatsapp, hidden on her phone.
That's when I moved out for 30 days - it was going to be a 7 month lease but she begged me not to do that. (In retrospect, this was one thing I did that actually made me feel immensely better, probably because I gave agency and power back to myself.)
During that next month I found out:
well we did send photos and messages to each other, but they were never inappropriate.
yes we did have sex over facetime but only once.
Then two months of thinking I knew everything only to find an email with a letter from the AP about how he knew she wanted him to leave his wife and be with him but he just couldn't do it because he had kids.
And then the ACTUAL truth:
they had been physical, multiple times, and he has lots of videos of her he took while they were together, that he liked to 'enjoy' when his wife wasn't around.

No matter how you think you'll act if you find that out, it doesn't matter. It's going to destroy you to your soul. You can't prepare for it.

I can type this now without spiraling out of control, but there's a 0% chance that would have been the case two months ago.
Should I have left her and gotten a divorce? People on here and elsewhere will give you all their advice but none of it really matters because they're not YOU.

This is not to say that most of what people have been posting on here is valid, because it certainly is. Take care of yourself, your wife may or may not be ready to give up what she's got, face the truth and shame of what she's done, or quite frankly she may not even care what you do if she's fallen in love or limerence or whatever with the AP. There is NOTHING you can do about her but you CAN take care of yourself.

Even after all the gut wrenching nonsense she's put me through, I'm doing everything I can from my side to make it work. Including focusing more on my relationship with God and praying nonstop for the strongholds and attachment(s) to be removed.

It's going to get much much worse before it gets better. Work on your communication skills and try and read some books (Not Just Friends is a great one) to help you understand what's going on in their brains and how to avoid similar situations in the future. If your communication skills were not great before the incident, you 100% need to work on them now because there are going to be a lot of conversations you'll need to have.

Sorry you're here.

Thanks for sharing your experience friend. I'm sorry we've all had to go through this, but I'm glad to hear you're trying. Keep your head on straight, and I'll try to do the same!

We've had a conversation.

It was mostly good. No raised voices, I kept as calm as I could.

She didn't sleep with him. I asked her if she'd do a polygraph and she said "if it'd make you feel better i would" so I guess she's either not lying about that, or she'd be able to fool a polygraph somehow.

A lot of what drove her to this point was: the marriage proposal pressure, her depression, and losing her spark for her passions. She reconnected with that guy, and as she's explaining this to me, she cries and said "I knew it was wrong, but it felt like I was getting a dopamine rush. It felt new and I pursued things with him that I shouldn't have." I believe her so far.

I know that this isn't my fault, I will repeat, I know that this isn't my fault. But I'm glad she brought up her feelings, about how I've been towards her, how I've become more of a homebody and have seemed needier (I'm also a depressive type at times and become more of a hermit when i have those phases).
I have to be able to better myself; stay on top of working out, eating better, trying to get better sleep (though the last 3 1/2 weeks it has been difficult to sleep)

She wants to keep having conversations, she's starting therapy tomorrow (video call) and then has her first in person session next week. She's kept saying she wants to try and work this out/work through this. I think I'm starting to believe her, but I wonder if I'll be able to lose the remaining anxious feelings, the worry, the wondering "will she try to contact him again somehow?"...

I guess we'll see how the next days, and weeks go.

Great update Pete. Sounds like it went as well as it could have.

So you got the written timeline? I would totally do the poly, it’s honestly to her benefit - to prove she’s being honest.

How long was her A going on? Have you been able to figure out if AP has a wife?

Great update Pete. Sounds like it went as well as it could have.

There's still plenty to unpack, but I decided to let her tell me the details over the course of this weekend. She clearly feels immense guilt, and when I told her today "I'm still here because you are worth it, and I hope you can see your worth too" she responded with "I'm having a hard time believing that, and in myself" so it truly does feel like she's remorseful.

So you got the written timeline? I would totally do the poly, it’s honestly to her benefit - to prove she’s being honest.

I didn't want a fully detailed timeline, more of the "start time" and duration. As of now, it's not important to me to know how many times they met. It could have been a one night stand and I'd probably still feel the same way. What's more important to me is the why. We've discussed some of her feelings, her issues, and none of them justify her decision (that she made abundantly clear, and I've said that to her too) but she's got a lot of cracks, a lot of broken pieces that I can see she tried to fill with anything that could make her feel even a little better. (shopping, trying new hobbies) In this case, she grew attached to this guy and this happened. People are flawed, we're all messed up, but it's what we do with the time given to us that matters and she made a horrible decision here.

How long was her A going on? Have you been able to figure out if AP has a wife?

Since end of February this year, so about 3 months. He doesn't have a wife, though he was married. I paid for a phone number look up and got a lot of useful info. Sadly he doesn't live to far from us or from where she works. Since she can't legally ban him from coming into her work, I've told her again "he cannot be in your life anymore. if you're serious about US working out and working through this, you have to promise me he's gone."

I also told her again this morning that I don't want to be her warden. I don't want to and never wanted to be a toxic POS who asked for her phone, or demand that she text me every hour about where she is. I have to respect her autonomy and as person who needs her own space. But this once, I will ask that she show me again that his number's blocked, and deleted.

If she contacts him again after we've had more discussions this weekend, I'm done. I will walk away and pursue divorce.

I've at least got my mind made up on that.

[This message edited by petecarparts at 3:54 PM, Friday, June 12th]

The only reason I got a detailed timeline was the advice I got from SI. It turned out to be very useful when I was about 14 months out. My W mentioned something that I thought was new and terrible. W said she had told me about it very soon after d-day. We pulled up the TL, and there it was.

So you may not need the details now, but you may need them in the future. And believe me, your WS's memories will fade over time.

Since she can't legally ban him from coming into her work

Hmm, but she can write him a no-contact letter, and maybe she can’t legally ban him from her place of work, she can tell him not to go there.

She can also tell her employers that he makes her uncomfortable and it interferes with her ability to do her job, and they can tell him to hit the pavement.

Hmm, but she can write him a no-contact letter, and maybe she can’t legally ban him from her place of work, she can tell him not to go there.

She can also tell her employers that he makes her uncomfortable and it interferes with her ability to do her job, and they can tell him to hit the pavement.

I'm going to ask her to show me a no contact message/letter and make this as formal and final as possible.

I'm trying not to, I've wanted to try and respect her feelings here too, but I need to have her tell me everything. She asked "how is knowing everything going to make you feel better?" I told her, it likely won't make me feel good hearing it, but I'll have the information I need to either work things out with you, or not

Respect her feelings? Why? All this accomplishes is leaving her in control of how this progresses. My response to her question would be I want to know if you're the person I want to stay married to, that's why I want to know everything.

The less you know, the more your mind is going to work on guessing all that happened between them. The fact you do not have kids put you in a much better position. Kids complicate an affair immensely

Fortunately for me, she knows I'm still in the drivers seat here.

I've already expressed that I need to have more and honest information to make informed and healthier choices. I even said "if I can't feel safe, and if I can't feel like I'll be able to build trust in you again, then I have to leave." That registered loud and clear for her.

Two adults that got attached to each other for three months and he lives close and is single and probably has his own apartment, plenty of opportunity there. My wife swore on her mothers soul and all things holy only to find out she was lying while looking me dead in the eyes hand on heart. IMHO a Polygraph is a must in this situation.

I'll consider getting one for her in the coming days.