Perspective after 9 years
Checking in after 9 years...How can it possibly be 9 years? Indeed, life goes on.
Here are a few lessons learned; some took years to emerge.
1. As so many said back at the time, I finally realized it mostly wasn't about me. But to say entirely not about me, well, is that possible? I don't think so.
2. Staying together, which we did, was very difficult. In some ways, it still is difficult at times.
3. If I had it to do over, I'd still decide to stay together. Finances and many other reasons to stay together matter once you're past the emotional craziness that comes in the early stages--a good friend ended his marriage and endured FINANCIAL WRECKAGE, to say the least; resentment by his children and other family members has not dissipated for him even though years have passed. My decision to stay together (I did see an attorney about divorce) may have been different if I'd been many years younger but I was not. She was not.
4. A satisfying sex life between us, except for rare periods, never came back. Once I was past the rage stage after DD 1&2, and after endless fighting and multiple counselors, I simply made myself move beyond and STOPPED BRINGING UP ANYTHING ABOUT IT, following the lead of Gottman and other noteworthy counselors. I went into do-the-best-you-can-to-be-a-good-partner mode. I'm a good partner--and actually, never was a bad partner before. This hasn't increased our shattered intimacy or improved our sex life. It is what it is. Now, I'm 73, healthy and fit, and have a healthy libido. Frustration is a fact of life. See # 6!
5. I don't think about it several times a day anymore--it's been 9 years after all. But I do still think about it several times a week. When I do, what I feel about now it is mostly sadness for both of us. In the first year (at least) what I felt was mostly anger and, truth be told, sorry for myself. In the early days after discovery, I oscillated between rage and daily pity parties. That passed.
6. The MOST important thing I did for my own well-being was choose to NOT BE A VICTIM. My understanding about human nature has grown enormously as a result of all this and that has been a very good thing. Letting go of fairy-tale notions and erroneous moral teaching was one result of this.
7. The emotional pain I felt was the worst thing of my life and IT DOES DIMINISH. If you're still in the crazy-intense stages of betrayal, my heart goes out to you. BUT...don't be a victim. Repeat: DON'T BE A VICTIM. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and say as many times as you must I WON'T BE A VICTIM.
8. It will take time but you'll come through. Unless you see yourself as victim. If that's the case for you, recovery will probably never happen.
0 comment posted: Saturday, April 25th, 2026
