Just found out….again!
I caught my husband having an online affair right at the beginning of our relationship. We had counseling and subsequently found out he had affairs with his exes too. After putting in the work I thought we had moved past this. We built a strong relationship, he was in the military at the time which is its own challenge and a few years ago he got out and we moved to the states, he is American but I am not. He recently reconnected with a bunch of his army buddies from many years ago and one of them was someone he dated for a year back in the day. Found out her health isn’t good and he started doing research on her condition and appeared extremely upset about it all. He was also upset about the way he treated her and I told him to apologize to her not only for her but for him too, I did not however say apologize with phone sex and lies. Her husband caught her and threatened to tell me if he didn’t. That’s the only reason I found out. I thought we had moved past this. Turns out there were more online affairs and not just the two I caught him in. He had a total nervous breakdown when I threatened to leave and had to stay in a hospital for a week after threatening suicide and is now on mental health meds and needs to see a therapist. Because of his breakdown I cannot go at him for his lying and cheating and treating me like garbage.( he rubbishes my character to all his little girlfriends he chats to online and to his family, assigning me ‘character’ flaws to justify his terrible and toxic behavior. ) He has narcissistic qualities and often makes me feel terrible and he ‘punishes’ me with silence and ignoring me, criticizing me and treating me like I’m a burden. I cook, I clean, I give affection and love and he treats me like I have no value and gives me crumbs of affection when it suits him. I usually have to beg for affection and it’s usually transactional.
His ego clearly needs the validation despite me giving him loads of attention and affection regularly.
We didn’t fight, we had good banter and we had intimate relations and I supported him and gave up my career to go with him to where I had no support system.
After 14 years of marriage and up until a month ago I thought we were solid but I’m doubting my life choices right now and don’t even know if I want to put myself through this again. Im back on the trauma rollercoaster and the complete nervous system breakdown i thought i never had to ride on again! Is it even worth trying to save a marriage with a serial cheater and liar. He says he loves me but it’s bs, you don’t repeatedly hurt and disrespect the person you love. That is not love, it’s emotional abuse and the gaslighting makes it worse.
Do I stay or do I dismantle my life and leave at this point?
6 comments posted: Saturday, April 25th, 2026
