SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hello again everyone. To clarify, there were two guys that I know of … The wife of a current coworker of her’s contacted me and told me that she found messages between my wife and her husband that were way too intimate and inappropriate. My wife maintains nothing was going on between them. While I was investigating their relationship, I ended up uncovering a very long-term affair with a former coworker that started 14 years ago.

Update: I ended up contacting the long term affair guy’s wife. She was shocked and had zero idea anything like that was going on between them. I forwarded her their emails so she could see for herself. I felt some relief to get it off my chest. But it didn’t make me feel good that her family is ruined now much like mine. I’m fully aware it’s their fault for engaging in their affair but I do feel really bad for her and her kids as much as me and my own. I don’t feel guilty for telling her, but I do feel sad about all of this. I’m following your advice and not telling my wife that I called the other wife to see if she mentions anything about it. So far she hasn’t said anything.

My wife has pretty much destroyed three families, one being her own. It’s incredibly difficult and confusing to think she was so selfish and capable of doing any of this. I’m incredibly angry at her but at myself too for not seeing any of this earlier. My therapist says I need to stop taking any blame but it’s very hard to not think about what I may have ignored for so long.

You did the right thing. Well done. The OBS now has her agency back and in the long run she will appreciate what you did for her. Don’t feel bad for not reading the signs earlier. You trusted your WW as a normal partner would do, and in fact she used your trust and abused it to carry on her A. The shame is all hers to carry.

When you hear hoofbeats, you think horses, not zebras. Infidelity is a zebra. Loyal spouses hear horses. Don’t blame yourself at all.
Over time you may start to see things that you glossed over or gave her more benefit of that doubt than evidence observed. But ALL of us missed the signs because we believed our spouses would never do this.

And good job telling the other OBS. It IS sad, but not because of what you did. All the WS and APs own the damage here.

Hang in there.

What many of us didn’t initially realize, is that the betrayed spouse is already destined for divorce, one form of divorce or the other, whether it’s an emotional divorce and a miserable life mired in limbo, or a formal definitive divorce, we were all heading breakneck towards a form of divorce whether we wanted it or not.

The only one with the power to change that fact, is the wayward spouse. The only one with the ability to save the marriage is the one who broke it.

I would take the initiative and start down that road to divorce with resolve, and not slow your pace, pause or alter your course unless compelled to do so by the impressive actions of your WS.

This empowers the betrayed spouse.

It’s scary and overwhelming, especially with kids and financial issues, but as you start putting together your escape plan, the vision of a hopeful, promising new life begins to take shape strengthening your resolve with every step.

When you’re confident with your escape plan, you won’t settle for anything less than an authentic reconciliation and marriage.

[This message edited by RealityBlows at 8:38 PM, Saturday, April 18th]

Good job telling the other spouse, so glad you gave her an ability to know her reality and make decisions in her life. Things will get real for him and your wife now. Let your body guide your towards healing. Seek God for wisdom.🙏

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[This message edited by SI Staff at 6:27 PM, Sunday, April 19th]

What many of us didn’t initially realize, is that the betrayed spouse is already destined for divorce, one form of divorce or the other, whether it’s an emotional divorce and a miserable life mired in limbo, or a formal definitive divorce, we were all heading breakneck towards a form of divorce whether we wanted it or not.

The only one with the power to change that fact, is the wayward spouse. The only one with the ability to save the marriage is the one who broke it.

That may be true for some BSes, but that belief seems to place all the power with the WS.

In fact, the WS has a lot of power over the WS, and the BS has a lot of power over the BS. Both have power over the M.

The one with all the power with determining whether R will happen is the party who is holding up the process. No matter how much the other party may want R, it won't happen until the other party truly wants it and is willing to work for it as well.

This can be put another way: the reality is that R is sometimes possible--although usually extremely ill-advised for the BS, and furthermore R is sometimes possible *only if* BOTH BS and WS are up to it. The thing is this:

--The WS is the one who had the problem with integrity that allowed them to step out on their M and in the process tell all these LIES to their spouse and family. So they have the especially heavy load of getting to the bottom of their whys, becoming trustworthy, and winning trust back from their BS. Perhaps their lack of integrity demonstrated during the affair may mean that is is much harder for them to FIND IT IN THEM to keep up a sustained effort.

--The risks of R are asymmetrical. The BS is GIVING another chance whereas the WS is GETTING another chance.

Anyway yes OP I am sorry but you and your kids will be able to be finding happiness again in D. The is FAR far better than staying with a wife whom you likely won't ever be able to trust again.

[This message edited by WontBeFooledAgai at 7:41 PM, Sunday, April 19th]

I agree with most of what WontBeFooledAgain posted.

That is because I have heard for years and even practiced it myself in business situations and sales calls when I was in the workforce. I even demonstrated this myself to my children when they were teenagers and young adults. It is this: The One Most Willing To Walk Away From a Relationship or Situation Holds The Most Power.

Since the WS sort of had a foot out the door while they were cheating, then, in my opinion, at the time of Discovery they hold the most power. Of course, that could always change the other way depending on what the BS does with the information they have gained.

This is just my opinion, and as they say, YMMV.

My wife has pretty much destroyed three families, one being her own. It’s incredibly difficult and confusing to think she was so selfish and capable of doing any of this. I’m incredibly angry at her but at myself too for not seeing any of this earlier. My therapist says I need to stop taking any blame but it’s very hard to not think about what I may have ignored for so long.

The decade+ abuse that you’ve been put through has caused you to start getting down on yourself for being too trusting. That isn’t a bad thing, brother.

IRPPRL:

The One Most Willing To Walk Away From a Relationship or Situation Holds The Most Power.

That’s exactly what I was getting at.

The Wayward has already set events in motion, on a trajectory towards divorce, and until the Wayward takes action to the contrary, you’re all headed into limbo or divorce.

It doesn’t matter what actions the BS employs: shaming, outing, begging, nice-ing, taking blame, The 180, separating, counseling, self improving, notifying the OBS, allotting time for A-Fog to clear, for AP to drop out, for the WS to get off the fence…

you’re all STILL heading for divorce or limbo-most likely limbo.

I say, you should at the very least, take the helm and sail that ship, away from limbo, steadfast towards divorce and don’t alter course until the Wayward properly compels you, because it takes two to reconcile and only one to leave.

Time is of the essence. The longer you wait in limbo, the more you expose yourself to harm, abuse and humiliation. The longer you take to effect an escape, the greater the costs to escape. The longer you take the harder it gets to leave as you grow progressively more comfortable with your compromises. The longer the WS takes to engage, the lesser your chances for a successful R.

Divorce takes time, at least six months-maybe a little bit less in some states, but the process can be initiated, paced, paused or reversed to your satisfaction.

The BS sets the course and maintains the pace.

There are many steps required before you pay the retainer. Telegraph those steps to your WS so that they understand your intentions and the consequences. Start separating assets, consulting attorneys, filling out forms, researching alternative housing, etc., whilst always leaving the door open to reconciliation, on your terms.

If your WS is properly motivated, they should have ample time to intervene, barring mitigating circumstances.

14-plus years with the other guy?

Apparently, you were runner-up in your own marriage.

You shouldn't start entertaining your possible shortcomings. If you were falling short, your wife should have addressed any issues years ago.

She should face consequences, and one way to drive home the severity of her deceit is to get DNA tests for the kids. You love them regardless.

Apparently, you were runner-up in your own marriage.

That may be a bit too generous, RealReal. The way I read things is GoingNowhere is battling for 3rd place and who knows if there's a possible 3rd guy out there. Hate to say it GoingNowhere but it appears you're wife considers you to be just another piece of furniture in her life. She's getting her feels and validation from others and not you.

You write in your 1st post that this all came out around Christmas and other than your wife, OBSs, your 1 friend and therapists no one else knows about your wife's affairs. Is this still the case? Have you at least told your side of the family. This is a great site and please post away but our support is limited. You need to have someone close to you that you can talk to about this. Hopefully, you have a supporting family that can offer you some support in real life.

Have you talked to a local family attorney yet? It is far past the time for you to do so. You need to inform yourself of your state's laws regarding divorce- custody, child support, spousal support and asset division are just the basics. You don't have to tell your wife you are consulting with an attorney, in fact I would not. But you need information, at least the basics, so you are not muddling throw this. An attorney can give you the lay of the land in your local jurisdiction so you can plan accordingly. I know you work schedule is wonky but many attorneys are willing to meet after normal hours and on weekends. Get some referrals from people you trust and consult with a couple of attorneys.

Are you still sleeping in separate beds? How has your WW responded to that?

As an aside, I recommended asking your wife if it would be ok to get a girlfriend for the next 14 years, ever ask her that? Have you at least asked how she would react if she found out that you did the same things as she did? What's her response? I feel this is an important question to ask waywards to see how much, if any, empathy they feel towards the betrayed. If they said they wouldn't care then you get a good idea how much the relationship really means to them.

I recently disclosed the affair with my family. We’re close with them and they are our main help with childcare. They could tell something was going on and asked if we were okay. I was honest with them. They’ve been supportive and helpful.

I’ve of course asked her how she would feel if I had an extramarital affair, and she says she knows how hurt she would be. She doesn’t say she wouldn’t care, but the fact that she ignored that understanding of her own affair doesn’t make me feel any better.

She maintains it was a fantasy she was living, and she convinced herself it wasn’t a terrible situation since they never slept with each other. I don’t really believe her. Like many of the people say in this thread, they are adults that were getting away with a very serious long-term emotional affair, what would stop them from having a physical one? They had many years and opportunities to get together. It’s a real sickening thought.

However I am leaning more towards going through a separation. I need to think about how I would do that due to our children and shared finances. We don’t have a simple life where we can just go our separate ways due to kids, work and assets we share.

It’s just a total mess and wish I had a time machine to undo all of this.

Like many of the people say in this thread, they are adults that were getting away with a very serious long-term emotional affair, what would stop them from having a physical one? They had many years and opportunities to get together. It’s a real sickening thought.

It’s simply incredulous they had all those opportunities together, after all that sexting, to believe they never physically touched. A written comprehensive timeline she completes confirmed via polygraph is an exceptional tool to get much closer to the full truth. Have you started that process yet? If not, why not?