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I found out that my husband was having an affair in Nov 2024. Since, I have been trying to rebuild my marriage. I have really really tried.

I have a teenage son and he is my priority.

I think I love my husband. But I hate him too. I cant look at him the same way. I feel disconnected from him, and as much as I try to reconnect, the feelings only last a few weeks.

I am here, becasue I started to trigger divorce proceedings. And now, I have cold feet. The reality has hit me and feelings for my husband seem to be stronger. It’s like i suddenly see him. Is this normal? I don't know why but I am more conflicted now?

I was thinking about seeing a therapist but the savings are low and this isnt something i can afford.

The plan was to tell our boy soon about all this. I thought I'd feel relieved. So many people here speak of that. But I don't...

[This message edited by Anotherdayfromhere at 1:55 PM, Monday, April 20th]

Hi do you say you see him because you are seeing that he is completely changing as a person, owning his adultery and the destruction of your relationship and he is crawling over broken glass by the regret of what he done for you, being present with no excuses minimization, lies, always open to discuss your feelings and pain no matter what and with no regard how it can pain him to face the evil he chose to inflict you?

If that’s a yes to all, then you might been seeing him as a person who is reforming and becoming a safe partner finally, and that can help you to be able to feel emotions again for him (still does not mean you will be able to heal yourself and reconcile, but without that reconciliation is simply impossible).

If some of the answer is a no, or a yes "but", then you are NOT seeing him because he has not changed and he is still the cheating husband.

Not reformed, not guilty, just careful and flying low …

In this second case what you feel might be limerence, a projection of your fantasy and needs, not the reality of reciprocal love.

And that’s dangerous considering he is a cheater.

This doesn’t invalidate what you feel, but it should warn you about red flags.

You don’t have to rush the divorce if it’s not your intention to divorce.
However if you are changing your mind because he is a changed man or you’re changing your mind because of limerence, that’s a completely different story and it might end hurting you badly.

If you want to share more I am sure you can get more understanding from people who have been there

Big changes are unsettling, and your brain is seeking the comfort of the known (your WS) over the unknown (life without him). That said, you can take your time with the divorce, and you can change your mind partway through if he wants that too.

I think BackfromtheStorm raises some good questions. If you look beyond your feelings for him at the facts, do you see a person who has done the work to become a safer and more loving, less selfish partner?

Thank you for replying. I am so confused right now. My body and heart are in a state of shock and unease and the enormity of divorce seems to all of a sudden triggered not being able to sleep and feeling confused.
However, when I think hard and long about the right thing - my head tells me that the best way to get rid of this feeling of betrayal is to start over. On my own.

My husband has completely changed. He goes to therapy, has changed his circle of friends, checks in all the time, and has taken responsibility for what he has done. He and I have tried. It's me - I feel blocked. The trust has gone. I can't forget the person he was - even now he has changed.

Is cold feet normal in this early stage? I have just applied. Did anyone else get this and push through it and end up happier the other side? I know this is a safe space, and no judgement please... but I have even thought about going through with it, knowing that once I have had space, I could come back to him if I change my mind. Now I write these thoughts down they don't seem rational. The conflict of emotions is driving me nuts.

I completely understand your struggles and feelings.

I too was convinced my only option after dday2 of affair2 was to D him. I could not tolerate another day being married to a lying cheating jerk.

However my H immediately regretted all of it and changed. I was not dumb enough to believe that 30 days of change was enough.

But I decided to give him another 30 days. For the first year I went day by day, week by week.

I offered no help, no support and no encouragement. It was up to him 100% to change my mind and not D him.

Somehow he did it. But not without a post nup and financial security (for me) being in place.

It’s been 12 years and we are one of the lucky ones happily reconciled. However I changed from being a doormat to being someone who no longer backs down and calls him out whenever necessary.

Game changer.

Hey your emotions are in chaos but you have been pushed and drowned in this chaos by an abusive partner, the guy who was supposed to protect your most vulnerable parts from harm is the one who wounded you the fiercest.

It’s okay if the thoughts are chaotic or seem not to make sense. You are not performing here, just letting go.

Is all fine and we get it, seriously.

You can try to move the first step, begin the divorce process take it slow and see how you feel.

Until is final you can always go back if you feel like.
Even after you can always start over if you feel to reconcile.

But you won’t at least be bound anymore, maybe this freedom to decide and not feeling trapped will help your clarity.

I had a bit of cold feet at first, wondering if I would regret it. I do think that part is normal. It's a big decision, and you'll probably wonder many times whether it's the right decision.

As for you feeling blocked about him, that happens a lot. That's the risk any WS takes when they cheat. Not everyone is cut out for R, and that includes many BSe, and that's okay. You're not obligated to stay with him after what he's done, even if he turns into a saint. Lots of people walk out and file for divorce within weeks or months of DDay. You've waited 2 years, so no one can accuse you of making a rash or emotional decision.

I've seen some statistics that the majority of attempts at R end in D within 5 years of DDay, so you're not alone.

Not everyone is cut out for R, and that includes many BSe, and that's okay. You're not obligated to stay with him after what he's done, even if he turns into a saint. Lots of people walk out and file for divorce within weeks or months of DDay. You've waited 2 years, so no one can accuse you of making a rash or emotional decision.

I've seen some statistics that the majority of attempts at R end in D within 5 years of DDay, so you're not alone.

The problem is emotional and individual.

Reconciliation is something admirable when it can happen, in the true form, of course.
The R stories are bitter sweet but they deserve the praise of 2 different people (as in changed) capable of rebuilding something else over the ashes of complete destruction.

And we all deep down would like to reconcile with our partner in some moments right? After all they are the person we truly loved, the one we chose to spend the rest of our lives with, it is a clean emotion that is hard to let go away.

And we also might love them. Still after all they did, when we see real pain and regret we might still find that there is still a spark, under the ashes of their destruction that still burn and would like to give both its warmth back.

However even if the love is still alive, for some of us it’s too deep and intimate of an emotion that can only breathe when is clean, pure one might say.

Infidelity tainted that forever. Even if love survived it, it will never again feel clean for these people, and you will have to feel and choose if you want to spend the rest of the life living a tainted love, or you can only live with a clean one, or nothing at all instead, love free of corruption or nothing.

It’s a question we will have to ask ourselves at some point. We can’t escape it.

I think that’s why some people simply can’t reconcile even if their wayward became the ideal person. They might have been the ideal partner to meet and marry now, but they weren’t before and the taint is undeletable.

I don’t think either one is the right choice, they are both good, maybe is even possible for some to wash away the poison of infidelity like it never happened, I just don’t know of any story like that.

R all comes down to your emotions. You may even love him and still need to let him go out of your life. You have to be honest with yourself and with him, if he is now honest with you.

Only your emotions can tell you the truth, so follow what you feel now, and eventually change route as they evolve, you’ll find out if you don’t get them stuck in fear.

Divorce is traumatic. My exww and I were together for 20 years.

It was extremely difficult and painful to go through. And then... fucking awesome!

Within a few months I was happier than I'd been in years.

For a little context, our marriage was already hanging on by a thread before she decided to cheat. Within two months after d-day, I was on the verge of filing for a divorce. The ONLY thing that stopped me was our (at the time) 4yo son.

This wasn't my first rodeo with infidelity. My high school girl friend, my first love, cheated with one of my best friends. I swore then that I would never, ever tolerate that shit again.

I came to SI to find out if reconciliation was really possible and, if so, how to go about it. Within two years, I honestly felt we'd reconciled. I forgave her. We were happy(ish).

But... I felt as if I had betrayed myself. Though I still loved her, I knew that I'd never love her the way she wanted me to. After six years, I finally threw in the towel. I simply didn't have any fight left in me. I was exhausted, drained and couldn't find any peace... not with myself, not with her, not with the universe...

Yes, cold feet is perfectly normal. If you're not comfortable with it, then stick around for a while. Give it another six months or so.

When you're ready, you'll know it.