SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hello, I am hoping for some guidance or support. I feel like I'm going insane.

For context -

I, WP, am a recovering porn addict. I am currently in IC and 2.5 years sober. I've been entitled and selfish. I have lied to and gaslighted my partner. I have been emotionally abusive. I have previously framed them as the monster that I actually was. I have destroyed their entire life and wasted so much of their time.

BP suffers greatly as a result of my betrayal - CPTSD, depression, suicidal ideaton, anxiety, nightmares, and constant triggers. Their life has become extremely exhausting for them and they feel completely alone. In addition to betrayal, they have come to discover complications to their health that have been limiting their quality of life.

It has been extremely difficult for them to see any hope towards a future. They had a therapist for a year before deciding it was a waste of time.

What complicates this more is me realizing I am transgender. This has been a long standing point of contention for BP and I.

I have not always been the best WP and have a lot of regrets and poor decisions while attempting R.

One thing I understand now is that in R, as the WP, I should be prioritizing BP's pain, feelings, and needs. Restoring trust and safety within the BP is the priority. As the WP, this means letting go of things that can be triggering or unsafe for the BP. This means being completely honest with them.

But what does this mean when the thing they want me to let go of.. who I am? They would like me to stop my transition, which is something I am unable to do.

It has gotten to the point where they keep saying to me that they will not let me transition and they will make every attempt to ruin my life if I don't stay and stop transitioning. There have been threats of violence (to me and my family), death threats, exposing me, and getting me fired from my job. They have stolen my HRT and other property. They keep saying they will commit suicide.

I have told them many times I cannot stop, but they sort of ignore that and authoritavely move on to tell me that won't happen.
I am genuinely afraid (and avoidant) so I just.. go along with it. I don't explicitly agree, but I just.. go along.

It's been like this for months. Like a rug sweep. A pretend life.

All the while, I secretly continue to medically transition. I am sure they knew, but I feel extremely guilty for more lying. They don't deserve that. They deserve the truth, even if it is difficult to accept. By lying, I've only prolonged the pain and suffering. I know that despite fear or pressure, I should have at least been honest. And if they can't accept that then.. to walk away?

Having said that, the truth has come out and the threats have come again. I would like to talk but I am afraid. I'm scared of what they will do.

I guess I just feel so guilty and shameful about it all. I know that my own pain will never compare to what I have done to them. I know they've sacrificed and lost so much of their own life and time to me and the relationship. I can see how fucking unfair it is for BP. Why can't I let go of this for them?

Thanks for reading.

Hi there, transistor. Weekends are rather slow around here, so be patient. I'm sure others will post in a few days.

Your post has touched me in ways that are very personal. My 15yo son is transgender. He told me this almost two years ago, right as he was hitting puberty. For an old Gen X guy like me (I'm 59yo), it's been difficult to recognize my son as the daughter she wants to be. I love my child. I'm as supportive and loving as I can possibly be. My only hope for her is to be as happy as she can be. I always tell her to be true to herself and... well... "fuck the nay-sayers!"

Be true to yourself. If transitioning will lead you to peace and happiness then so be it. If your partner cannot accept that, then it's time to set them free.

How they choose to react, what they choose to do moving forward, cannot be your responsibility. You can do the best you can to help them as you're able. Ultimately, we are all responsible for our own happiness and well-being.

I cannot imagine how incredibly difficult this must be for both of you.

One of the most difficult lessons in life is learning to be an authentic person. It seems you're learning this lesson and I truly hope you can stay on the the path.

Is there anyone in your partner's life who can help them? Do they have a reliable support system?

Usually when you resort to infidelity you are answering a void you cannot fill by allowing emotional energy to flow into it, and you disperse your own instead of focusing it and letting it nourish you.

Character flaws like low self worth, people pleasing, perfectionism and overachieving are also a common theme.

The coping mechanisms is to try to get more sources of validation (as one alone does not seem to do it) and compartmentalize into different roles that allow you to play a version/ versions of yourself that fit the fantasy of happiness you think will fulfill the emotional need.

This works as a temporary fix because triggers dopamine and other happy chemicals that mimic happiness, however you do it a cost of your own values so the dissonance is eating away right out and you begin The shame spiral, further eating away at low self worth, people pleasing etc.

Add that dopamine has an expiration date and you see why the temporary fix then ends up leaving you worse off than before, because you are left with the unfilled void but now you have guilt and regret mixed with shame and this all is self sabotaging and destructive.

You can try to address the root causes in therapy, identify what are and learn to heal them, gradually getting to learn to love yourself, so the void can now be filled , by your self in the first place and by your partner as a complement, not a fix (nobody can ever fix us, we can only heal ourselves, internal validation, external is a trick).

There is a great article you can read in general called keeping secrets, it can be really enlightening if you want to understand and help your partner and yourself through the chaos, it might help you with the rugsweeping.

The emotions that you feel are always an internal alarm telling us to be heard, a cry from your deepest self. you can’t ignore or rug sweeping because they will destroy you.

That article may really help you.
Also keep writing because the emotions need an outlet and here you can find both a place to be heard and guidance on how to heal the pain.

Remember you, the WS heal the WS
Your BS heal themselves.

That is the first step, everything else comes later

You're set on transitioning, which makes sense to me. You're lying about it. You're terrified because your partner refuses to accept who you are. You're recovering from a porn addiction. That's happening now.

What stands out most for me is that you can't stay with your partner without lying AND stifling yourself. How can you do that to yourself - or your partner? What is keeping you together?

I think WS who do not leave their spouse for the AP often don’t want to be the one to initiate the D - they don’t want to be the "bad guy". They have done enough damage and they do not want to pile it on the BS further.

But sometimes the marriage just can’t work. Maybe it should have been over before the A even started. (Does not justify the A in any way however.)

If you being your authentic self doesn’t work for your spouse, then that’s that. You cannot R if you are not authentic and 100% honest. Not transitioning would, in your case, be dishonest.

Will it hurt your Spouse? Yes. But staying in an inauthentic way will hurt both you long term.

Doesn’t make it easy, but it is clear.

best of luck on your journey.

If you just can’t be the person they need you to be, then you can’t, no matter what you may owe them. Not to be trite, but you can’t love them if you can’t love yourself.

You’re transitioning and your partner requires a cis-gender partner. That means that all possible future relationships between you will necessarily be platonic, whether amicable or otherwise. The only way you two can figure that out will be through open and honest dialogue.

If you’re really under threat of violence, then you need to get the hell away from them. You may need a lawyer to help you get a restraining order, notwithstanding all the rotten things you’ve done to them.

You have been a shitty partner, but the fix for that is breaking up, not violence, death threats, theft etc. Your partner needs help but you can’t provide it unfortunately.