Mine is a negative example because is all I got, I ended up marrying over a false R, so I am not reconciled and I know what you feel because is the same, minus the pain replaced with indifference.
anyway might be of some use:
what she did to illude me of Reconciliation.
- She came back claiming she missed me, done a mistake, we have a unique connection (usual bull***)
- At first denied the affair, then confessed it after pressure
- Cry cry cry in a way that looked remorseful, in reality it was shame of being caught, not empathy, but we read it as we wish it would have been
- Being present, available, attentive, thoughtful (not negatives per se, but when shame driven they are not connection driven, they are transactional)
- " Normalizing" after time when she felt more secure that I would not leave her, slowly tune all down, step by step, little by little, until it was again as "before" - and we tend to read that as we recovered as a couple, while in truth is the Wayward returning to their pre-cheating baseline, so they might lay low but they are again in the same condition that might lead to another betrayal, infidelity.
What did I feel along the way:
- Craving to get back, as before, to find the connection again
- Bonding, hysterically, sexually and emotionally, as that would exorcise the infidelity
- Disgust and heaviness, developing a physical "ick", that made me hate myself anytime we had sex or other physical intimacy, that slowly tears you apart from inside. No matter how affectionate she was, a corner of my mind was always seeing her with the other Man having sex or intimacy and that was torture. I wanted to vomit every single time
- Hating mysef for what I felt, feeling unfair towards her, trying to force my feelings to change and stop digging out the infidelity
- Always wanted to talk about it, never allowed it, always buried it down and told myself it did not matter.
- With a lot of effort suppressing anger, pain and sadness, I managed to reach a state where the thoughts were not surfacing anymore, I was only thinking with my logic and composure. It is then I developed PTSD, Anxiety, Devastating panic attacks, getting worse over the years and culminating into a depression with suicidal tendencies (strong enough to avoid it, but oh so tempting). - I would call this dissociation.
Not useful to rebuild likely, but you understand why I warn so much not to ignore your emotions and to listen to your feelings.
Suppression was not working well for me, I destroyed 18 years, half my life, and it was impacting everything not only time with her.
In the end, when I accepted it, all went away, and we are right back at step 1. Or better negative 1, as we are back to the issue of her infidelity, like it just happened, with all its fallout. I would call this Integration
Hopefully you can make something useful from a negative experience as well.
[This message edited by BackfromtheStorm at 2:06 PM, Monday, April 27th]
