SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

"Hope that clears things up for you guys."

It honestly makes it less clear.

One of the things that I have noticed about you (across various accounts) is that you often speak of a precious inner child of yours that needs protecting. Is this part and parcel to this personality fragmentation?

One of the things that I have noticed about you (across various accounts) is that you often speak of a precious inner child of yours that needs protecting. Is this part and parcel to this personality fragmentation?

The inner child is a thing that is central to many therapeutical methods that deal with trauma healing.

I believe schema and lowen are some thought there may be others.

Basically your childhood is the period where you form yourself as the person you are today. Traumatic experiences shape what coping mechanisms you might develop as an adult.

Some are better than others in dealing with trauma and some are dysfunctional.

Trauma is tricky and although it can be healed, if is not we try to balance it through coping mechanisms, it’s then about luck and life circumstances if those mechanisms work well and resolve the trauma or they become emanations of trauma and the coping mechanisms are created to justify your dysfunction to yourself (basically reinforcing the trauma rather than resolving it).

Addressing the child is like addressing the you before and during the early trauma.
Emotional events don’t fade, they are carved in our psyche wether consciously or subconsciously, we bring them along. Trauma is a deep and scarring emotional experience.
If " the child" can feel safe about the things that caused the trauma, the trauma itself can heal, improve or completely disappear.

I think it’s that child she is addressing in her process.

Thanks Pogre 💙

CantBeMeEither

It honestly makes it less clear.

Well, I tried my best.

One of the things that I have noticed about you (across various accounts) is that you often speak of a precious inner child of yours that needs protecting. Is this part and parcel to this personality fragmentation?

Maybe I'm reading too far into it, but I don't really like the way you keep adding "precious" to "inner child. I'm getting a tone of suspicion or condescension... All children are precious, including our inner children (yes, you have one too. Whether he's hurt or not.)

As Backfromthestorm was getting at and according to my recent reading on the subject, all children start out with fragmented personalities-- sort of toggling between different need states, before they start developing more complex thoughts, emotions, memories, and experiences, and begin integrating them into one personality. Sometimes people reach later childhood (6-9+ years of age) without having fully integrated, which is referred to as structural dissociation, due to trauma and competing needs... I'm not diagnosing myself by any means, but I see a lot of similarities between myself and those who have OSDD (Like DID but without amnesia and fugue states.)

But to answer your question, yes, my committee and inner child are most likely interrelated.

[This message edited by GotTheMorbs at 12:45 PM, Thursday, June 11th]

I don't particularly have a problem with the metaphor or the way your mind works. If it were me, I would try to reframe it to an empowered and self-loving state. For example, I would see myself as the Chairman of the Board and the CEO of my life. There's no one else who can hijack a control panel and press buttons. Ultimately, I am responsible for the company/my life.

Rather than envisioning a Board Member who is evil or a child, I would choose a personality that is helpful and well-meaning to my life. All Board Members have skills and are worthy of being on the board. This could be a protector or a survivor. They are clever, a little ruthless; but sometimes it takes ruthlessness to survive. Maybe it's Bear Grylls or Laura Croft or the Equalizer. You don't always need them, but you are sure glad they are there when you do. If you're in a bad situation, and Bear Grylls suggests you eat sheep eyeballs and gut the sheep to sleep in, you can appreciate the input. You might evaluate and decide that you can make do with McDonalds and Motel 6. It's not a 5-star restaurant and a luxury hotel, but it's not that bad.

Again, I have not seen Inside Out, so I could be way off base here.

[This message edited by KitchenDepth5551 at 2:56 PM, Thursday, June 11th]

While I agree with what’s being said about some of this sounding like disassociation with the board members, I will clarify the inner child thing is a therapy thing.

When you go to therapy for any reason they are going to take your history if when you were developing as a child, what traumas you were facing and how it shaped you.

That shaping is important because developmentally that a crucial time. While it doesn’t make you cheat, it does contribute to the environment you create internally that makes some of the how could you do this type questions become clearer. Our programming is something a lot of us are not as an aware of in how it shows up.

So when we talk about inner child, it’s because we are trying to learn what patterns were established and why, understand why they aren’t helpful and practice different replacement approaches.

The reason I found it tremendously helpful is because being the adult that child needed is a way that I have learned to self soothe and regulate.

When someone is "vulnerable" and that could mean a lot of things. I could be vulnerable able to drinking or overeating during certain periods to cope. There was a big period of my life I used my sexuality to get attention because of the SA grooming I had with multiple predators in my childhood. And I was predatory too as a result of that and had to own it. Picturing the reparenting of that inner child simply brings clarity through new eyes and is a valid tool for rehabilitation and healing.

The board member thing, I interpret this as some splitting morbs probably did in dealing with her abusive stepfather. I do agree it is not helpful to reconciliation and I especially believe what Gemmy wrote is important for reconciliation and ultimately will be important to morbs healing.

On the other hand, I also understand this is not likely something she created because of her infidelity, it’s probably been a major part of her coping mechanisms her whole life. Childhood trauma splitting due to abuse is common. Because a child has no choice but to stay they can create a separate self in the mind to survive the invasion. (I have someone close to me that has been through this and it’s not easy to move away from)

I agree what is healthy versus not, but I wanted to clarify this is her default coping mechanism and learning to use others is a big process.

I suspect her husband has known about the committee longer than they have had marital problems. I do agree that it’s not helpful to him, but I believe the choices here would be to try and hide it or just be authentic with where she is. Hiding it is probably worse.

Just my two cents, not looking really to debate, just seeing it differently in this context.

Morbs would it be accurate to say you understand ultimately you made the decision to cheat? Perhaps the reason the "bad" board member is a child is because that’s the one you scapegoated as the one who deserved and took the abuse? Or is it not that clear?

[This message edited by hikingout at 3:23 PM, Thursday, June 11th]

I understand what you are saying here hikingout. What I'm saying is that if you are going to create personas, you empower the child by separating the "acting out" from the rest of the child. The "acting out" is a survival mechanism. It's not bad. It served a purpose. If you tend to go back into a survival mode, then that should be recognized as a persona. Children are praised for their innocence, creativity, and joy for life, as well as curiousity and the ability to see things in a unique way. If you're going to have a child on your board, then recognize its skills and strength. As it is now, the child is so marginalized that it doesn't even have a sex.

[This message edited by KitchenDepth5551 at 3:50 PM, Thursday, June 11th]

"Maybe I'm reading too far into it, but I don't really like the way you keep adding "precious" to "inner child"

Fair. Maybe subconsciously I am envious because I have trouble standing up for or even acknowledging my own inner child.

So I am thinking maybe I need to be more open to this inner child stuff.

Thank you for understanding what I'm saying and elaborating on it, Hikingout.

Morbs would it be accurate to say you understand ultimately you made the decision to cheat? Perhaps the reason the "bad" board member is a child is because that’s the one you scapegoated as the one who deserved and took the abuse? Or is it not that clear?

Yes, I've been trying to communicate that I do consciously understand that I made the decision to cheat. That's what I mean when I say "all of the committee members are me." I am the sum of the mini-me and each CM. That's why I was trying to sort out the irrationality of feeling scared of myself cheating again when cheating is a choice, and I think I've sufficiently worked through it and came up with a solution to try that makes me feel less afraid.

I think the "evil" CM is where I store all the desires for maladaptive behavior with the hidden goal of getting those underlying needs met. It has been saying "Dishonesty is okay if no one finds out and it's a net benefit to you," because when I was a child, dishonesty is part of how I protected myself and got what I needed. (For example, telling my stepdad I was walking the dog, but going to the baseball field and taking a nap on the bleachers instead because I was dead tired from constantly over-achieving and he wouldn't allow me to nap at home.) It said, "Continue interacting with this person even though you know you're developing inappropriate feelings for him because it feels good to be found interesting, desirable, and powerful through your sexuality," (and seemed to "seized the controls" when the mini-me, who is the most first-person me, pushed back against it.) But what I'm thinking is that those "evil" desires are connected to needs arising from inner child wounds as well, in connection with adult me neglecting those needs and/or being unable to meet them from within. None of "us" inside my head believe we deserved the abuse, so I don't consider the "evil" CM a scapegoat, but "we're" still dealing with the consequences and trying to unlearn and control those maladaptive tendencies. We were attempting to violently subdue and suppress the "evil" CM before in order to avoid external immoral behavior, not because we thought it deserved it, but out of self-preservation.

So I think seeing the "evil" CM as just a manifestation of that and treating it with compassion, curiosity, and understanding, while we work on healing the inner child's wounds, makes it less scary and less able to seize control.

Kitchendepth-

I actually wasn’t responding at all to your post, I thought what you said was insightful and helpful. I actually think it wasn’t there when I started my post. I mostly spoke up because I also picked up on the "precious" inner child and just felt like I would explain this is a valid tool for healing and it helped me a lot with boundaries even. My relationship with that vision of an inner child has helped me become more protective of my wants and needs, because in some ways it’s easier for me to speak up for her rather than the adult that seems to often over compromise in order to get along. As a mother I think I was very nurturing and loving and in many ways this helped me see how I needed to be for myself. It’s so much easier to advocate for that "child", or to also realize when that child needs calmed so I can step up for someone else.

I sometimes look for ways to share the ws processes as a way of illuminating things for folks. I actually most of the time understand where people are coming from in their responses. And I think she has had a lot of good advice here. I think the push back on some of these things make sense especially since many people wouldn’t have come across them in their personal life.

I do think a bs deserves and needs full accountability, and that’s where I would advise any ws to lean. But I also can understand that some things do not change overnight and honesty is important too because it allows the bs to track what is being worked on or what has changed.

[This message edited by hikingout at 6:31 PM, Thursday, June 11th]

In light of the fact you were the OW in your husbands last marriage, do you also think this complicates your relationship with remorse?

[This message edited by hikingout at 6:34 PM, Thursday, June 11th]

Do you mean like, do i have a hard time feeling bad for him because he's cheated too? No, I don't think so. I couldn't see the amount of pain and torment in his face and not feel terrible about it. I never felt like he deserved any of that. When i felt like my remorse was slipping recently it was because I felt like he wasn't an emotionally safe partner after the manipulation tactics, and I didn't feel like I had the energy to deal with both his pain and mine, especially if there was a possibility I would need to leave the marriage to be safe myself. Its hard to fight so hard for something that might end.

I do think there's some petty and immature part of me that thinks it's not really fair that he didn't have a shame phase, but another CM says he went through an awful lot of consequences for his actions, so that "should be sufficient," and another CM that says, "His process has nothing to do with yours, dear. Lets focus on you." I (the mini me) agree with the latter two.

if you meant something else, please let me know.

That’s what I meant.

The reason I asked is because when my husband cheated there was this whole wheel of thing. Like - if you felt what I did was so wrong, then how could you do it to? But the wheel would turn and I would think oh because you have poor coping like me. While it never made me feel justified or unremorseful it did bring up thoughts I wouldn’t have had otherwise so I was just curious.

GotTheMorbs,

That is an incredibly brave thing to reveal. I respect you immensely. Just wow. I'm glad you feel safe enough to share that here. Cheers!

^^^ agreed ^^^

Thanks... Idk if "safe" is the right word there, but I feel pretty sure that no one here can make me feel worse about everything we did, so there's that.

Thanks... Idk if "safe" is the right word there, but I feel pretty sure that no one here can make me feel worse about everything we did, so there's that.

Can’t.

The behaviors are horrible per we, but is not the behavior what defines the person, is the person choosing to behave a certain way.

You can open your eyes and see critically, and you recognize yourself it’s something you don’t want.

This awareness is what makes you in control and control is how you change your mindset for the better.

The moment you stopped lying yourself you begun hugging your inner child instead of self sabotaging.
Is where the chaos ends and growth begins.

Bad stuff is still bad, but you are choosing something different now.
Breaking patterns is only hard when we bury them, when we control is easy to change habits.

It’s a switch, you feel it.

We went to a Chinese restaurant tonight and left with fortune cookies. I cracked mine open and read, "You will soon discover what you are capable of." I felt dismayed and terrified. One of my CMs tried to be reassuring and suggested maybe we don't have to interpret it ominously. Maybe we will soon discover we are capable of growth, change, redemption, self-love... but the fear lingers. Another says "Fortune cookies aren't real anyway. A piece of paper in a folded wafer isn't actually portentous," but somehow I don't believe that one either.

"Discover" is the operative word here. You already know that you're capable of doing the things you've already done. What's to discover are the things you haven't yet done, but want to do.

Change occurs when the pain of same exceeds the pain of change.

What eats at me is that so many people here insist they are incapable of committing infidelity, because they wouldn't be able to look at themselves in the mirror after violating their own principles and still respect themselves. And I felt pretty much the same way before I did it. Even felt that way after I did it several times in the past; I just completely compartmentalized and locked memories of those prior incidents away to be forgotten, and I fully believed I was a faithful person.

Like right now I think that if I ever went and cheated again, I'd probably off myself out of shame afterwards. I don't think I'm capable of hurting my husband any further... But how can I be sure? ChatGPT says the fortune was just a mirror to my own thoughts and feelings, but it just gives me bad fucking vibes, man. I don't like it.