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I have been married to my wife for 18 years, we have the most wonderful son who is 15. She has had a lifelong childhood male friend who is a family friend. he is more than 10 years older than her and has been in the family since she was very young. Her parents and his parents were friends, hence the family friendship. I have always had this uneasy feeling about their relation but put it down to long time family friendship. she has also always downplayed it saying they just really close because they grew up together. Recently we had a big fight over the lack of intimacy in our marriage, but this lack of intimacy has been an issue for many years. I have just come to find out that she has been sleeping with this friend on and off since 2012 and I am completely shattered and heart broken. I am yet to confront her as our son is in the middle of exams and I need to for his sake maintain stability. I plan to confront her this coming weekend as my son will be away due to a long weekend.

I don't know how to cope with this systematic betrayal that has taken place over the last 14 years. my head is spinning and I feel like I am spiralling out of control. I have not eaten in a week and cannot sleep.

The part of me that hates her for doing this just wants to never see her again, but the part that loves her wants to try and overcome this, but how would I ever be able to overcome this level of betrayal.

her relationship with our son is so constraint as well to the point that he says he hates her, this is all without him knowing this betrayal as yet and my feeling is that he will most certainly hate her after finding this out.

i am so conflicted and just need some advice please.

So sorry you find yourself here. You will find here many others to support you... we have walked in the shoes you are now wearing.

In the Healing Library on this site are a lot of helpful articles. This is one article I think all newly betrayeds should read:

https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/documents/library/articles/discovery/calling-all-bses/

Those who have had to go through the confrontation will be along to help you with that. One phrase I have found to be helpful is when the wayward spouse tries to spin the conversation around to try and make out that you were at fault is this: "I am sorry you feel that way". Period. Don't elaborate. Just "I am sorry you feel that way". That one phrase does a lot to defuse the situation.

Good luck with everything.

Very sorry you find the need to be here. You have been heard. First of all take care of you. Get tested for STD’s. Eat healthy. Get as much sleep as you can. Exercise and try to stay active. Nothing you did or didn’t do in your M caused her to cheat. Read in the healing library and the pinned posts. Your WW has lived another parallel life behind your back. Your entire view of your life and M has been shattered. Do not take this trauma lightly. Do seek IC to help you deal with your trauma. See an attorney to learn your rights.

When you confront be calm and firm. Do not beg or plead. Do not allow her to blameshift or manipulate you. You know she is cheating, it is not a question.

Always value yourself.

Do not rush to make a decision while your emotions are high. But do prepare yourself for hearing lies and gaslighting when she is confronted. Do think about what you want from her upon confrontation. Do you want a full confession? Do you want to separate? Assuming she is still involved in her A, inform her AP’s betrayed wife if he is married. Hang in there. You will get through this. Be there for your son. Good luck.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 3:21 AM, Friday, June 12th]

So sorry you are here, You got good advice already so please read and heed it. Also look through the healing library and all the posts in the Just Found Out forum with the bullseyes in front of them. You may have to go back a few pages, but those are golden.

LTA (long term affairs) are especially brutal and when it was with a friend, it’s a double betrayal.This is a HUGE TRAUMA. Take exquisite care of yourself — this can have real impacts on your health.

Who IRL can you talk to? You need outlets. Look for an IC (individual counselor) who specializes in trauma. Do you have a sibling or bestie or pastor you can talk to?

Please see your doctor for STI/STD testing. Talk to them if you can’t sleep, too. You need sleep healthy food,lots of water, exercise, and avoid alcohol/drugs (ask me how I know on that one ). In the next week, try to talk to a couple lawyers JUST to get an understanding of your situation. KNowlege is power, so get the knowledge. It really helps reduce the fear of the unknown.

Keep posting. And know that this is 100% on her. Maybe your marriage was not perfect (none are) so you may be responsible for 50% of your M. But she CHOSE to cheat over and over and that is 100% on you.

You will get through this. Promise. Hang in there.

Always trust your gut.

Instinct calls out the reality we unlearned to see.

The behaviors of a cheater are easy to spot, that’s how they pick each other up from the crowd, it’s a red flag for healthy people, it’s a calling for people with issues to match and find each other (and cheat on partners, then cheat on each other, then cheat on the next, and so on).

You spotted the red flags, in her and him. You shut up your intuition because you love her.
They lied and cheated because they have issues, likely low self worth and accessories as people pleasing overachieving etc.

Basically you suffer because of the attachment wound. Cheaters have very difficult time in loving themselves and because of that is very difficult to love others, their attachment is not secure and they fill the void with dopamine and fantasy. affairs are a fantasy because you don’t truly live a partner’s life, you just farm validation in a selfish way, projecting a fantasy and indulging in dopamine rush. You don’t have to risk being yourself because it’s exhausting, you just have to perform for a little while.

It’s me me me, but only a fake version of "me", the real one is well hidden like usual because due to low self worth is unlovable so it must stay buried (but that’s the person you glimpsed and fallen in love too. Cheaters don’t fall in love with the person, just with the mask, and is dopamine driven).

This is way the vast majority of cheaters who move from the affair to become a couple crash and burn. It’s about 98% 97% of cheaters couple split divorce etc.

The few that stay together, they still cheat on each other. If you are to look on the couples that develop secure attachment with loyalty and respect starting from an affair, it’s a fraction of a % of this 2-3% who stay together.

The rest just dooms themselves to infidelity and betrayal, so they will go through what you are feeling now.

And trust me, they can excuse their betrayals but no cheater likes being the betrayed partner. That’s sometimes is the moment they realize just how shitty it’s to abuse (because they get abused), but it’s not guaranteed that this will change them.

A cheater can become a safe partner, but it needs to start from within. And is a hard work and hard pill to swallow for a person with low self worth to face they chose to be worthless and sexually and emotionally abusive. Some manage, and heal. As with Bs is reversed, usually most will heal to some extent and be stronger, few will heal fully, some will never recover.

Still the odds are way better for the Betrayed partners to recover than the cheaters, they are usually doomed.

The cognitive dissonance you feel is likely from all the above.
Your instincts tell you she must disappear from your life for you to heal and go back to living.

That is true. But is not necessarily the only truth.
You can heal even with your abuser on your side, which is harder but with therapy and the 180 you can do it.

But only if you reframe all that she is into what she is. A cheater.

Love and respect will do nothing, she is refractory to love until she is broken.
And she can only fix herself, you can’t.

You heal yourself.
She heals herself.

Otherwise let her sink in the mud, and go to reclaim your life back.
Billions of women out there, only a minority is like her. Most are high value women and safe partners.

Give love to who deserves it not to who doesn’t know how to be loved.

Read the 180.
If she wakes up and realizes the entity of what she done, maybe you can consider if she is capable of healing.

But before that love and affection is useless, it will just ruin your life more.

Be strong.
You have been heard

Thank you to all for your kind words of support. She does not know that I know just yet, I plan to confront her tonight with the other women in company as she will still deny everything until this woman confirms it all. BackfromtheStorm, your words resonate with me, in 2018 they were caught out by the women he was supposedly with at that time. She was the one to put it all together. but at that time, he was sleeping with my wife, his current wife (recently separated with, but still sleeping together) and this woman. So, he was cheating on all 3 of them at the same time. He is very eccentric with green eyes, so women fall all over themselves for him, and he takes full advantage of that. it apparently ended in 2018 at the time with him and she became outraged when they were caught as she did not know about either the wife or the other women and she believed in leaving me at the time to be with him, but he apparently kept telling her not to leave me because "I was a good man", he made her believe she was the only one. After that he still chose the other women over her. and then she came running back to me (with me being none the wiser back in 2018 as what was going on)

When this other woman initially told me I was fully ready to tell her it's over, but close friends and my support system told me not to make any hard and fast decisions while my feelings where still so raw, as I have my son to think about. it has been insanely difficult to keep this quiet and maintain the current living arrangement but for the sake of my son who is in the middle of exams I have had to bite my tongue.

Now she is crying wanting to make the marriage work and seeing a counselor for one-on-one sessions to work on herself. but I don't think she is even being honest with herself or the counselor, I don't think she has even mentioned the years of affair. I can't say this for certain though, because the conversations are private, but I just get this feeling that she cannot even internally bring herself to admit it out loud. but i fear all her crying and wanting to work on the marriage might be due to that affair partner icing her out and so yet again she is running back to me.

I guess time will tell, and especially after tonight's confrontation.

Thank you once again for all your kind words of support and encouragement.

Look I advise you against confronting in public.

This Is between you and her.

Lies don’t matter, they all lie.

It just makes you weaker to need support from others . And it does backfire in so many ways that it’s hard to list them all.

You know the affair partner was cheating on multiple cheaters (among with your wife) and his wife.

That’s completely normal, cheater cheat, on safe partners, on their affair partners, on themselves.

It’s a self sabotaging behavior, all people who indulge in it are broken and with deep issues, fooling themselves.

You are really shooting your foot if you’re confronting your cheater relying on the truth from another cheater.

Red flags all over.

You can easily call out her lies and bullshit. You can make the names of the other cheater whom your cheating wife’s affair partner was cheating on her too.

But you are better than this rotten garbage, you don’t want to mess with their mud, you are dropping them in their mud and taking distance.

That’s what you want to do.

Is way better to tell her "he was screwing nancy and Betty other than his wife when you were screwing him. You do you, but I’m not touching you even if you become a saint, until we have a full std screening for your disgusting habits. Better check with Nancy and get yourself clean". Than to rely on Nancy. really all these women are no better than your wife. Low self worth hence low value women. There is no battle for righteousness or redemption or self respect here among those.

Is the usual fight for validation of low self worth cheaters.

Don’t. Go. There.

Confront alone. Call the bullshit. Let her figure it out.

You know, you don’t need confirmation from a liar. You don’t need backing from another liar.

Second.

Ignore the affair partner. I understand if you want to plaster him on a curb, that’s natural and deserved.

I’d bless you with, but you are likely going to risk trouble so I am not encouraging it.

I can tell you they are universally pussies, rats and worms, is not a fair fight man to man.

And although it’s natural and just to want to destroy the little shit, the truth is, he has no power at all over your betrayal.

He is an accessory, the real and only culprit, the sole responsible for all this crap is one and only one: your wife.

Don’t compare yourself to him. I know how you feel now makes you doubt yourself and destroys your confidence.

He is not a competitor, he is not "the better man" this is not seduction and dating, this is betraya. It is just selfishness, abuse and perversion.

You are already the better man. He is shit, no matter how many shitty people he invites in his swamp (likeminded women who belong there) he is still shit. He chose to be like that.

Your wife didn’t choose him over you because he is better. She did because he is available and broken enough to roll in the mud with her.

That’s how cheaters find each other.

It could be anyone, and would be exactly the same for your wife, the only factor is to find a person who is rotten enough to match her broken self.

I am a player and I paid my studies being a model, I am smart, driven, inspiring and a natural leader. Never have any issues or problems in getting a girl if I wanted. Want to know with who my partner cheated? Fat greasy losers that do scams or lie for a living. Short, ugly manlets.

Should I feel diminished? No. Of course you feel like that, but is the pain. It’s your mind trying to find a pattern and a logic to prevent this hurt in the future.

There is no pattern and no logic, she is broken and all that matters in her rolling in the filth is opportunity and another broken person.

Same goes for men cheating on women. Usually the affair partner is way worse than the partner across the board. Betrayal is not mating, is not selective is not quality. Is validation, and be ready to sacrifice everything for it, even if who is available to validate you is a rat.

Ask around and see that almost always people are betrayed by their partner with someone that is not just worse, but worse enough the comparison itself feels insulting.

You should not feel less of anyone. Because truth is there is no better or worse, just what you feel about you.

Right now you’re hurt so you feel a zero. I get it.

You are not though, she betrayed you but you don’t betray yourself by validating the pain she inflicted you.

Every single person is special and unique in their individual way.

Looks or other traits are superficial and marginal, they don’t matter at all in who you choose in the end, connection and beauty goes deeper than the shallow appearance. Is the real you in any person that makes them attractive.

Cheater are attracted by the delusion of the trash masked as wonderland. Is what they seek.

Stop letting yourself being dragged in the smoking mirrors of lies and betrayal.

You are worthy.

And you should start believing in that.

Put yourself first

[This message edited by BackfromtheStorm at 11:06 AM, Friday, June 12th]

So if I understand the history, bs k in 2018 you learned of her affair.

And she never stopped having contact with the affair partner/cheater and you knew contact continued between your wife and the OM.

If this is accurate, your wife is a serial cheater. And that is going to be a very hard pattern for her to break. First she may not want to stop cheating.

Second she may lie lie for a bit and then resume the affair.

Third she has NO REASON to change as she fully expects yo be able to control the situation and get what SHE wants.

I’m so sorry for you. You deserve better.

@BackfromtheStorm i am not confronting her in public, this will take place this evening at our house. I have made sure that my son will be away. in regard to the woman I am bringing in, She did not cheat, she thought they were in love and before anything happened, she had divorced her current husband to be with him (this is how he manipulates woman) At that point she had thought she was the only one as he had "left" his wife already to be with her. All the while cheating on his wife before that happened with my wife. So she had no idea. She uncovered the truth in 2018 and confronted both of them in which they then confessed. By this time this woman and him had been sleeping together already as she had already left her husband and she was under the impression that he had completely split from his wife and there was no one else. The reason i am bringing this woman in is because i know that if my wife has done this for 14 years, she will find anyway to discredit the other woman as the crazy ex who just wants to ruin other people's lives.

@The1stWife, No I was completely unaware of what was happening in 2018. I only found out latterly 5 days ago about everything. This man became more intertwined in our lives after the split from this woman. As far as i was aware from 2018 and the stories my wife told me was that he left his wife for her. then when they split he became a regular in our lives and the stories he spun was that he was the modal always faithful boyfriend and she eventually cheated on him and that is why they split up. When in reality he was with his wife, her and my wife all that time. This woman did eventually move on right at the end of their relationship and went onto marry the guy she is with now. But my wife and this man spun the story as if this woman cheated on him and broke him.

So the basic timeline of events is as follows (this is from the information that this woman has told me and shown me messaged about all of this when she confronted my wife)

2018 - this woman found out, confronted them both. She asked my wife how long it had been going of and my wife said 6 years, going back to 2012. I only found out the concrete truth in June 2026. 5 days ago, hence why all this pain is still so fresh and raw.

[This message edited by unbearablehurt84 at 12:28 PM, Friday, June 12th]

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. What a nightmare.

A 14-year A in an 18-year marriage is a bitter pill to swallow. No one would blame you for never talking to her again. But people have reconciled affairs like that. There’s a poster here who’s reconciling a 15 year affair, just as an example. Just know that whatever path you choose there are people here who have walked it.

Some things that occur to me are: she’s been lying to you for quite a long time. You think she’s lying to herself and her counselor. In other words, she’s a deceitful person. That’s not to say she can’t become honest, but she’s not now. There’s almost no chance you get the whole truth out of her tonight. Just bear that in mind, as it will likely take a while and you will suffer through Trickle Truth. Here is "Joseph’s Letter" https://survivinginfidelity.com/documents/library/articles/discovery/joseph-letter/, which if it resonates with you, you can share with her. It’s about the importance of full disclosure.

As Fareast pointed out, you’re not arguing about this. It’s not a lawsuit, with point-counterpoint. You don’t have to prove anything, she knows what she did. You deserve to know the whole truth. Accept no sentences that include the words "just" or "only" (e.g., we "only slept together X times" or "it was just a fantasy"). That’s called minimizing. Accept no statements about your behavior ("you were working all the time") or the condition of your M ("we’d grown apart"). She made a choice, in fact thousands of choices, to have an A rather than anything else she could have done (divorce, MC, conversations with you) to deal with whatever she can dredge up. She did this and it’s not your marriage’s fault, and it’s not your fault.

This will hurt to read and I hate writing it but you have to be eyes-wide-open to the fact that she may have loved him and maybe still does. The lack of intimacy between the two of you is a sign. Maybe it’s because she feels guilty, but maybe it’s because she couldn’t be unfaithful to HIM.

As for your son. My father is a cheater. Like your WW, he was faithful for very little of their nearly 40-year marriage. His cheating badly damaged our relationship. It’s really going to be on your WW to do what she can to salvage that relationship. There’s going to fallout for her, actions have consequences. Her adultery may wreck not just her relationship with your son, but with others too. Might break up her parent’s friendship, who knows. Old family friends, we don’t know how far back this goes and what traumas might be buried there. In all events, she’s going to really have to put on her big-girl pants when it comes to her son.

You’re not going to be able to hide it from your son though. And the reason I say this is because you’re going to have to DNA test your son.

The A started way too close to his conception. This woman, the source of your information, could be incorrect about many details. You just don’t know. Now look: HE’S YOUR SON. No matter what, he’s your son and nothing will change that. But we all need to know our biological parents for medical purposes. Knowing that your father has a particular heart condition (just to make up an example) could be the difference in detecting something early enough to treat it or not. For understandable reasons men resist taking this step, but brother, for his sake I really think you got to.

Sending you strength for tonight.

[This message edited by Letmebefrank at 12:57 PM, Friday, June 12th]

Here is my advice.

First you need to find some professional help to support you through this trauma. Please find finding who is a trauma therapist and has dealt with infidelity.

Second I would see an attorney before having any discussion w/ your wife. Know what D looks like in your state/country. Different rules apply. In one or two states in US, you can sue the affair partner for a number of reasons.

Third if she wants to Reconcile demand or insist on a post nup. I have one. It’s legal and valid. Mine has a clause "Divorce for any reason". Don’t tie it to cheating. Reason being you can try to R but a year later you realize it doesn’t work. Now she could glam you are D for other reasons and invalidate a post nup that has a cheating clause in it.

My post nup gave me certain $ free and clear as if it was my $. This protected me in case he decided not to pay alimony or child support if we D.

Lastly I hope your wife is remorseful but if she starts blaming you for her cheating or being nasty then please know while it is typical cheater behavior it’s not a good sign.

Unbearablehurt, this confrontation sounds like it’s going to be a shit-ton of Drama. Is there really no way to have the sit-down without this lady there?

Your wife probably hates this woman, because OM chose her back in 2018. Your wife has already spend the last 8 years trashing her name. This woman does, in fact, have an axe to grind with your wife for that reason alone. Bear that in mind.

Does this lady have any proof other than what she was told all those years ago?

Is your wife going to freak out? Ask your lawyer about the legality and/or advisability of recording this, for your own protection. You don’t want to get accused of something you didn’t do.

Some people do not have a loyalty gene. Or they had a difficult childhood that robbed them of the ability to commit to another. Who knows. You can try to spend years figuring it out. She might try. Who knows.
Your life was built on a lie. Your wife had a secret second life that was just as important to her as your marriage. And might have been more so.
You need grief counseling and well as for trauma. You need a lawyer. You might need a dr for meds to get you through the anxiety and depression. You do need good sleep. Good nutrition. No drugs or alcohol and something to do with all that pent up anger and pain you carry. Walk, run, bike, hike, play pickle ball, garden. Don’t sit in your misery. Find outlets.
Your story fits a remark I made on here a few days ago. Some bs are married to con artists. I don’t know your wife but as a social worker I know how easy it is for some people to present a believable facade while living a completely different life. I don’t know how a marriage survives long term cheating but some do. I wish you, not luck, but clarity. I wish you peace.

What proof do you have?
Is it just what this other woman told you?

I'm having a bit of trouble with your timeline explanation.

Your son will quickly figure out something isn't right between you and your wife.

If the affair had been going on that long I don't know how reconciliation is possible, way to much damage and deceit. Myself, I would be DNA testing my son, just for my own sanity.

I was ready to divorce when I discovered my wife was exchanging inappropriate text messages with a co-worker. Had it been a sexual affair divorce was a certainty.

I wish you the best and you have found a great place for support and advice

the woman I am bringing in, She did not cheat, she thought they were in love and before anything happened, she had divorced her current husband to be with him (this is how he manipulates woman)

Friend you are in chaos and it’s hard to see clarity while you feeling like drowning.

What you wrote is literally this:

This woman was cheating on her husband with the affair partner and wanted to divorce her husband to live with the other man because she was in love with her affair.

Little did she know that the man she cheated on her husband with, was also cheating on her with another woman who was cheating on her husband-> your wife

This is a clusterfuck of deeply broken people, and you are about to allow them to drag you into their swamp.

It will be a confrontation between a liar and a cheater a a liar and a cheater, about their beef over a liar and a cheater, and you, the abused victim, being there as a tool while they screech in drama for who deserves the delusional validation of their shitty ego the most.

Sure you want to allow yourself into this?

You won’t find solace there, they will drag you down in the mud to watch a shitshow that will make you want to vomit.

Oh well I suppose there’s a slight chance you see them for the kind of women they are and you get rid as you would get rid of a 6 month old forgotten trash.

But you are too hurt right now, I fear it will get you to spiral.

But people have reconciled affairs like that. There’s a poster here who’s reconciling a 15 year affair, just as an example. Just know that whatever path you choose there are people here who have walked it.

OP, you are (understandably) in shock. Some here will encourage you, saying things like "you can reconcile from anything if you simply make the choice to". What’s not so freely offered is the reality that reconciliations like this are EXCEEDINGLY rare. Yes, some people win the lottery. Doesn’t mean it’s wise to pin your hopes on winning.

[This message edited by gr8ful at 2:22 AM, Saturday, June 13th]