SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I caught my husband having an online affair right at the beginning of our relationship. We had counseling and subsequently found out he had affairs with his exes too. After putting in the work I thought we had moved past this. We built a strong relationship, he was in the military at the time which is its own challenge and a few years ago he got out and we moved to the states, he is American but I am not. He recently reconnected with a bunch of his army buddies from many years ago and one of them was someone he dated for a year back in the day. Found out her health isn’t good and he started doing research on her condition and appeared extremely upset about it all. He was also upset about the way he treated her and I told him to apologize to her not only for her but for him too, I did not however say apologize with phone sex and lies. Her husband caught her and threatened to tell me if he didn’t. That’s the only reason I found out. I thought we had moved past this. Turns out there were more online affairs and not just the two I caught him in. He had a total nervous breakdown when I threatened to leave and had to stay in a hospital for a week after threatening suicide and is now on mental health meds and needs to see a therapist. Because of his breakdown I cannot go at him for his lying and cheating and treating me like garbage.( he rubbishes my character to all his little girlfriends he chats to online and to his family, assigning me ‘character’ flaws to justify his terrible and toxic behavior. ) He has narcissistic qualities and often makes me feel terrible and he ‘punishes’ me with silence and ignoring me, criticizing me and treating me like I’m a burden. I cook, I clean, I give affection and love and he treats me like I have no value and gives me crumbs of affection when it suits him. I usually have to beg for affection and it’s usually transactional.
His ego clearly needs the validation despite me giving him loads of attention and affection regularly.
We didn’t fight, we had good banter and we had intimate relations and I supported him and gave up my career to go with him to where I had no support system.
After 14 years of marriage and up until a month ago I thought we were solid but I’m doubting my life choices right now and don’t even know if I want to put myself through this again. Im back on the trauma rollercoaster and the complete nervous system breakdown i thought i never had to ride on again! Is it even worth trying to save a marriage with a serial cheater and liar. He says he loves me but it’s bs, you don’t repeatedly hurt and disrespect the person you love. That is not love, it’s emotional abuse and the gaslighting makes it worse.
Do I stay or do I dismantle my life and leave at this point?

What has he been diagnosed with? Has he seen a therapist ongoing?

I wish this sounded fixable but it sounds like this is who he is and what he does. Addictions are so hard to change.

You need to see a lawyer to find out your financial status. You need to see a dr about any anxiety you probably have. Stay off alcohol. Eat healthy and get enough sleep.

I a very sorry you have this in your life. Please take care of yourself.

He’s been diagnosed with Major depressive disorder. He hasn’t started with a therapist yet but he has an appointment next week for a referral. But regardless of his diagnosis, he still knows the difference between right and wrong and what he did was a choice.

He might be depressed but you are right. He still knows morality. I assume while he is active it alleviates the depression but at what cost?

You read the history of those veterans who endured wars and came out with ptsd but managed to survive it?
Strong people who fought against a lot of trauma and pain. When hit by infidelity and experienced that ptsd, then they broke. They survived war but not betrayal.

To put into perspective, because all traumas are bad and worth of respect we are not playing rank the worst, however this is what your husband chose to put you through.

Maybe as a ex military this lands in his thick, selfish skull.

He now shift blame because you can’t "be so bad to confront him as he is so down".

I would say he is right.
Leave him get comfort with phone sex online flirts and all the thing he likes. They can take care of his ass.

You girl, pack your stuff and go take care of your trauma, friends or family, some short weekend trip if you can get it, in a word breathe.

While doing the hard 180.

If the narcissist finds out that is strange wifey is not showing up at his service, he will come around. And find the door closed.

Maybe that will give him pause to understand just how fucked up he is, and if he starts seriously working on his gigantic issues, then and only then you can maybe, if you still want, confront him and demand to spill the beans about his lies and manipulation. And drop him again at the first sign of lies and trickle truths.

Put yourself first girl. You are the victim of abuse her.
Not your abuser caretaker

It's hard to know what is in your long-term best interest but that is the question to ask yourself: what is in my long-term best interest? Beware, anger and deeply hurt feelings that go with repeated betrayal (I experienced this myself 9 years ago) can cause you to lose sight of this. ONLY WHEN YOU ARE CALM AND TRULY IN YOUR RIGHT MIND can you ask yourself this question and trust the answer you come up with.

People who are serial cheaters may be rotten slimeballs but they also may be victims of childhood trauma that can cause them to "choose" behaviors that are destructive to themselves and anyone who cares abut them. A compulsive behavior looks like a choice but that is a way simplistic viewpoint, especially if childhood trauma or mental health issues from other causes are present.

I hope you'll go back and read the first paragraph again. Where you are right now really sucks. Be strong and take care of yourself!

I've been diagnosed with major depressive disorder and never cheated on my wife. Being cheated on, however, did wonders for it...

I'm really sorry, but right now it sounds like you don't have anything to work with at all. Unless and until he starts showing true remorse and talks to you about this I don't think things are going to get any better for you. He sounds like a serial cheater who's only thinking of himself and attempting to control everything. He should be willing to do anything it takes to try and prove he can be a safe partner. He seems more concerned with sweeping this under the rug and hoping you just forgive and forget. It doesn't work like that.

I know you know that. Most of us have been where you are and we know your pain. It's devastating. Betrayal trauma is real trauma. Don't let him downplay it. I know this sucks, but I think you should start talking to lawyers and see what divorce might look like. At the very least you'll be sending a message that you're not going to play games and this will not be swept under the rug.

Make sure you take care of yourself. Get your ducks in a row, keep eating, stay hydrated, and try to get proper sleep. This is hard enough when you're healthy, let alone in a weakened state.

I'm so sorry you've found yourself here. This is a club no one wants to join, but there are a great group of folks here who understand what you're going through. Stick around, ask questions, or even just vent if you need to. Typing it out and getting feedback helped me a lot.